Why do furries think its ok to come on to my mate?

[SharpCoyote]

Over the years, a few times I have found it amusing, even enlightening to 'play it cool' where it concerns others hitting on the one I was with.
I would sit back and observe, fully confident they would be leaving with me when the night was done.

It can be good for your partner to have a little ego stroking, yet even better for you, Gizmo, when they just walk away from the unwanted attention
to fall dramatically into your arms, leaving their pursuer agape. 

Maybe it is my troublemaker coyote nature, but I look for a co-conspirator in a significant other; a partner-in-crime vs. simply a partner.

No means no, and only were they very submissive would I ever feel the need to step in to assert boundaries. 
Assertion (and a strong, steely glare  :-3) can get you far, without having to resort to anything more physical.

[EpicurYeen]

I just never really noticed this happening outside the Furry community ... perhaps I have blinders on and only see what I wanna see?

I should probably keep my maw shut and not step in anything unnecessarily, but furry is my third community, and I have both observed and also been guilty of the charge of expressing unwanted interest toward mated parties. To think this phenomenon is explicitly 'furry' is wishful, because it exists in other communities. For my part, I was lonesome and jealous, and didn't know an appropriate way of expressing my feelings. The feedback I received told me my actions were over the line, and eventually the wrong clicked and I curbed my behaviour. I dragged those habits through three communities. Growing up doesn't have an age number attached to it, realizations are a slow digestion process. Some folks may never get it, so a more decisive/assertive approach may have to be taken with them. I wish you luck dealing with your offender.

[Star Wonder]

My comment is going to pertain to a different part of what was said, and the title of this post.

Can we please change the word "Furries"? Because it's individuals that do it that just happen to be part of our community. It's unfair to blame or label the entire community for something that's only done by individual people and often repeat offenders. And it gives the media fuel as well as it feels self-hating towards the community when we all know it's not the community doing it. It's individuals. The only way we are going to get people to take us as a real community is if we stop labeling things like this. They just happen to be furry and are doing something you do not like. It's very, very unfair to just label "furries" and is damaging our community to do so.

I wrote a journal on FA about this same subject, and why it's damaging in case anyone wants to read it.

http://www.bcfurries.com/forum/index.php?topic=9540.0

Addressing what was originally posted...

Some of what I say might be confusing, and not really clear. I'm on medication right now so if it sounds weird or attacking it's not at all. I'm having a hard time keeping my concentration so bare with me...

I don't know what it's like to be upset when my partner gets hit on. I personally think it's cute. Most of us are very open, and trust our partners that if something is bothering them, they will say something. If my partner had a problem with being hit on, he would tell the person he's not interested and walk away. I know some people cannot do this, so they ask their partners to do it for them. Especially if the person harasses them. But this is so rare, for someone to keep hitting on someone over and over after being told stop. But that's the problem, people don't say stop. People that are in a relationship, and don't say they are, can't expect someone to stop. And people that know someone is in a relationship and still flirts might just happen to flirt anyway because it's who they are and they mean no harm by it and it's not on purpose. And those that do do it on purpose even after being told to stop are often looking for a reaction similar to what you said. They want to see you angry. They want to see you hurt. Giz, you're strong, you know where you stand with your partner. If someone is trying to get between you and your partner, it sucks ass, but it's also up to your partner to make their own choices and chose to say something or not. If he came to you and had a big problem and asked you to speak for him, I can understand that. I often cannot say what I want said so I ask my partner to. But people flirt, and if you trust your partner, there is no way they can come between you.

As I have said to many people, if you catch your partner cheating, NEVER blame the third party unless they drugged and took advantage of your partner. I have been cheated on and never blamed the person my partner got into bed with. Because 99% of the time they don't know. Most people have the moral not to sleep with someone in a relationship. But it's your partner's choice to say no or not. Unless they are meek and easily corruptible because they have no self confidence and will say yes to anyone because of it, it's not the third party's fault. But this is taking it to the extreme, beyond flirting. Flirting in itself is usually harmless unless it turns into harassment. I can see saying something and being upset about harassment. But being hit on is also self empowering. Someone finds you attractive enough to flirt with you, (if they flirt on purpose vs it's their personality) it feels good. And often people are comfortable enough to say "It's nice of you to notice me and hit on me, but I'm in a relationship and I would like it if you stopped." or something along those lines. It feels good to be hit on, and is easy to tell someone to stop. The hard part is when they won't stop. I am not 100% sure what the situation is with you Giz, but I hope you two are okay and I hope the offender isn't a harasser and takes the hint. And I hope your partner tells them to go away if it bothers him so much. I hope things get resolved. And I agree with what Winter said in his post.

[Neox]

I do enjoy the fact that people here are trying to lighten the subject by shifting the blame away from the "furry" word and more towards the "general human populous." I would really love to believe that our community is just a group of regular "Joes," some of whom are less chivalrous than others...

...but to say as much would be blatantly denying some simple facts that make up a gross portion of the furry community.

The furry community is known for being one of the most welcoming, unbiased social groups out there. It attracts people of various creeds and personalities who enjoy a little bit of escapism. The upside of this is the fact that it becomes one of the best "sandbox" experiences one can hope to be a part of, in terms of creativity, making friends, and discovering new hobbies and fantasies. A lot of the people who come here are lonely, and the appetizing "open arms" nature of our kin isn't even second-guessed. Alternately, a lot of people join this community for the un-closeted fetishes that they were maybe ashamed to acknowledge before, but are now comfortable in their own shoes due to the fact that there are many others like them who aren't afraid to talk about it.

The downside is that it also cultivates some rather alternative social behaviours that most people tend to dislike or avoid. It blurs the lines between fantasy and reality for some people and it can often make for some very awkward social encounters.

The furry community is vastly an ONLINE community. I'd be willing to bet that more than 90% of us wouldn't even know what a furry is if it weren't for the internet. The thing with the internet, is that it allows us to generate a mask for ourselves, which enables us to act in ways that we normally wouldn't while being shielded by anonymity. For some, this works in wondrous ways to help build confidence and understanding of how to act among people in a real-life setting, and actually benefits people for building a better social life. For others, it can turn into bad habits that carry over into real-life encounters, because those lines between fantasy and reality don't sharpen themselves once the computer is turned off.

In the world of furry roleplay, it's so commonplace for people to be promiscuous that it has essentially become the norm. You could probably jump into one of the SoFurry chats and start hitting on 12 random people and have all 12 of them join you in a private RP within minutes. Some of them might even already have partners, even in real life. The gist is that this is online, it's "fake," so it's okay. Nobody is getting any STDs or getting pregnant. You're not going to log off the chat and have to wash the smell of another woman/man off you before you lay down into bed with your partner. This "safeness" in the anonymity of the internet gets ingrained in peoples' heads, and unfortunately, some people forget that it's not the same in real life. Maybe they do understand that actions have consequences, but they forget that NOT EVERYBODY THINKS WHAT THEY DO IS OKAY.

So maybe this person, mentioned in Giz's original post, has spent a lot of time online. Maybe they are the type of person to engage in casual sexual roleplay with anyone online that they find attractive. And maybe they became so conditioned by their online experiences, that they forgot (or simply never learned) that this is NOT the way it works in real life.

Now to everyone that's still denying the "furry" involvement in this: yes, I will agree that this is not EXCLUSIVE to the furry community. People are the way they are. However, my argument is that it is FAR MORE COMMON in the furry community, and one should come to expect to see this behaviour a lot more often as a part of it.

To me, it's the same effect as walking into an Irish pub on St. Patrick's Day and expecting to not bump into drunk people... then have someone at the bar tell you, "There's drunk people OUTSIDE of bars, too!" Well of course people will still imbibe outside of a bar, but you'd be a bit crazy to think that you'd be any safer finding sober folk in one!

[Samurai Kai]

I do enjoy the fact that people here are trying to lighten the subject by shifting the blame away from the "furry" word and more towards the "general human populous." I would really love to believe that our community is just a group of regular "Joes," some of whom are less chivalrous than others...

...but to say as much would be blatantly denying some simple facts that make up a gross portion of the furry community.

The furry community is known for being one of the most welcoming, unbiased social groups out there. It attracts people of various creeds and personalities who enjoy a little bit of escapism. The upside of this is the fact that it becomes one of the best "sandbox" experiences one can hope to be a part of, in terms of creativity, making friends, and discovering new hobbies and fantasies. A lot of the people who come here are lonely, and the appetizing "open arms" nature of our kin isn't even second-guessed. Alternately, a lot of people join this community for the un-closeted fetishes that they were maybe ashamed to acknowledge before, but are now comfortable in their own shoes due to the fact that there are many others like them who aren't afraid to talk about it.

The downside is that it also cultivates some rather alternative social behaviours that most people tend to dislike or avoid. It blurs the lines between fantasy and reality for some people and it can often make for some very awkward social encounters.

The furry community is vastly an ONLINE community. I'd be willing to bet that more than 90% of us wouldn't even know what a furry is if it weren't for the internet. The thing with the internet, is that it allows us to generate a mask for ourselves, which enables us to act in ways that we normally wouldn't while being shielded by anonymity. For some, this works in wondrous ways to help build confidence and understanding of how to act among people in a real-life setting, and actually benefits people for building a better social life. For others, it can turn into bad habits that carry over into real-life encounters, because those lines between fantasy and reality don't sharpen themselves once the computer is turned off.

In the world of furry roleplay, it's so commonplace for people to be promiscuous that it has essentially become the norm. You could probably jump into one of the SoFurry chats and start hitting on 12 random people and have all 12 of them join you in a private RP within minutes. Some of them might even already have partners, even in real life. The gist is that this is online, it's "fake," so it's okay. Nobody is getting any STDs or getting pregnant. You're not going to log off the chat and have to wash the smell of another woman/man off you before you lay down into bed with your partner. This "safeness" in the anonymity of the internet gets ingrained in peoples' heads, and unfortunately, some people forget that it's not the same in real life. Maybe they do understand that actions have consequences, but they forget that NOT EVERYBODY THINKS WHAT THEY DO IS OKAY.

So maybe this person, mentioned in Giz's original post, has spent a lot of time online. Maybe they are the type of person to engage in casual sexual roleplay with anyone online that they find attractive. And maybe they became so conditioned by their online experiences, that they forgot (or simply never learned) that this is NOT the way it works in real life.

Now to everyone that's still denying the "furry" involvement in this: yes, I will agree that this is not EXCLUSIVE to the furry community. People are the way they are. However, my argument is that it is FAR MORE COMMON in the furry community, and one should come to expect to see this behaviour a lot more often as a part of it.

To me, it's the same effect as walking into an Irish pub on St. Patrick's Day and expecting to not bump into drunk people... then have someone at the bar tell you, "There's drunk people OUTSIDE of bars, too!" Well of course people will still imbibe outside of a bar, but you'd be a bit crazy to think that you'd be any safer finding sober folk in one!

Neox, VERY well said. I agree completely!

[Star Wonder]

Now to everyone that's still denying the "furry" involvement in this: yes, I will agree that this is not EXCLUSIVE to the furry community. People are the way they are. However, my argument is that it is FAR MORE COMMON in the furry community, and one should come to expect to see this behaviour a lot more often as a part of it.

Respectfully, my own experience has been that it isn't far more, or less common at all. People are more prone to being hurt because of the relaxed state we are in, I agree, but the amount or number of people that do it is still the same as other groups. I use to be part of a church group when I was 6-12 years old (unwillingly), and people were more manipulative, more cruel, but the same amount of people did things that I've experienced in the furry community. Out of 100 furries and out of 100 people of the experience I've had, there are about the same amount of bad eggs, cruel people, and those that take advantage, while the church's whole entire point is to take advantage. The worst offenders were people in power in that community, and it's even true in ours. I think it's only seen more often in the community because we are so tight knit that if one person knows something, so does everyone else. We don't like secrets and we don't like people going behind our backs and we aren't afraid to talk about it so it can appear there is more drama, more problems, more offenders. In the church community it was identical except for the fact no one wanted to talk about the drama and problems and offenders and instead they bribed, or hid, or ignored it. I was told to shut up many times over and over, over nothing at all. Anyone in this community would instead defend my right to ask something, and those select few that don't like what someone says and decide to get angry and instead of keeping it to themselves, (the drama still there from both groups, same problem,) they might publicly try to humiliate or put down what the person says or did or asked. The drama from church was shoved away, but still there, and was obvious to everyone, but no one was allowed to talk about it publicly or to other church goers. In the community because we so openly talk, we literally see what would be the exact same in the church, people just are bad at hiding it or don't want to because of our comfortableness with each other. I am not pointing out church to bash a religious thing, I am using it as the perfect example in my life that is identical to the furry community in every way except the openness about speaking about things that is present just as commonly.

And we also need to remember that a lot of the community is very young, and often come from rough backgrounds and were not taught the right things and as you said, became heavily online based. I completely agree the internet has helped us and hindered us as a group of highly social people. We are also more sexual only because we aren't mandated to a bible's teachings or our group isn't run by people that tell everyone that any type of sex or thoughts or fantasies is wrong. In the church group I was in, when I was 9, (I moved a lot so it changed constantly), I met several teens and young adults that are just as sexual as we are in the community but they were told it's wrong. And that's where the media likes to slut-shame furries and put a bad light on the sexual aspect of being furry. We are more open, we are more prone to outsiders looking down on us and making people outside our community think we all put on suits and pile together in massive orgies. In all my years in the furry community, and of the hundreds of people I know, met, or messaged and knew well enough not to call them a stranger, only one participated in suit-sex regularly and only had sex like this. And she was on xtube, and had a heat stroke from her suit without even wearing her head during sex. Now she has educational videos about safe sex in fursuits, latex suits, and so on. She use to love it and now she's afraid to do it again without her specialized cooling unit and even then she says it's not enough. Anyway, we are not any more or less sexual, we are just far more free to express ourselves because we are not told it's wrong. And because of that, yes we get some bad people and attract some bad people, but that's also common in other groups. And we also shun those that do it when they are caught just like every other group. Any sort of extremist or something harmful to the group often gets outed right away and booted, or at least people openly try.

This opinion is from my personal views and from the stuff I have gone through my life. The church group I was forced into was far more harmful psychologically than a furry group ever could be. And I'm only using it as an example of community vs community commonality.

[Daevulfe]

Now to everyone that's still denying the "furry" involvement in this: yes, I will agree that this is not EXCLUSIVE to the furry community. People are the way they are. However, my argument is that it is FAR MORE COMMON in the furry community, and one should come to expect to see this behaviour a lot more often as a part of it.

To me, it's the same effect as walking into an Irish pub on St. Patrick's Day and expecting to not bump into drunk people... then have someone at the bar tell you, "There's drunk people OUTSIDE of bars, too!" Well of course people will still imbibe outside of a bar, but you'd be a bit crazy to think that you'd be any safer finding sober folk in one!

Cheers. 

Probably one of the best responses i have stumbled upon in sometime, and completely true.  It is true 'this happens elsewhere', but that can be said about anything or an situation.  the sad fact is, most it DOES happen more-than-not in the furry community. Being a part of the Puppy/Dawg community - a community which is always bashed for being sexual - it nearly never happens.  I believe you are correct in saying that most people exist online and develop their interpersonal skills based around that. 

But as with anything, I guess, there always be people who say that 'this does not happen here'.  Love the St. Patrick's Day comment, by the way.  True to the fact.

Gizmo, simply, furs are dicks.  People are dicks.  More dicks in the furry community.  Be happy with the knowledge that  you have what so many crave, and until they grow up, never will.

This of course is my opinion, based on my Real life experiences, based on my real life world, and my real travels within it. 

From what I have seen, it's a lot more.  Chin up.  Stay strong.  And laugh. 

Now go snuggle your boyfriend.   

Vulfe.