Why do furries think its ok to come on to my mate?

[Gizmo]

Firstly: I am not trying to judge here. I am not jealous as I see what other see - My mate is a cutie! However, we love each other very much and are both VERY secure in our relationship.
Secondly: I think it is really odd and I have only seen this in the furry community. For most of my time in the furry community, I have been single. I am not now. I am deeply committed to my mate of over 1 1/2 years now and see a long, happy future with him. From time to time, we will discuss how some furries will come on to him and try to pursue a physical thing (sex) with him. Why? When you know he is mated with me? If we were in an 'open' relationship (weather we are or not is our business and not something I go around advertising), the pursuit of a physical thing (sex) would then be on us - not on some random furry who thinks they can get with him (or me - or both). Why do some furries think that even though my mate and I are in a relationship (the shape of which is our business), it's ok to come on to one of us (or even sometimes both of us)? When I was single, if I came across someone I found attractive - then discovered he was in a relationship, I would turn around and walk the other way. Sure there could be some playful flirting, but nothing serious. If people in the 'str8 community came onto some guys girlfriend / wife / partner, I am sure you would see a lot more people with teeth being knocked out. Why does this seem to always happen in the furry community? Is my perspective off here?
What are your thoughts?

[Mosesj]

I'm not sure why people would do that.

I'd give an answer, but since I have no experience on either side of that issue, I don't have anything I can really think of as an explanation.


Jealousy perhaps?

[Samurai Kai]

So much respect has just been gained for you Gizmo. I seriously don't know why others would think it's totally acceptable to act like that.

If someone tried to do that to MY mate, I'd unleash pure hell upon them... or I'd hold that anger back, because I don't like to show I have an existing wrathful side... but anyways! I'm glad you posted this, hopefully more people will become aware... and be smart enough to back off.

I'm not even sure why people would just come up to one of you, or both of you in such a manner even though they know you two are strictly one-on-one (that is how it should be, in my opinion) with each other and not looking for more and maybe they're forgetting that such people exist in the furry community. You know how open, willing and friendly most appear to be when it comes to relationships, right? You might have to be a little more blunt to get that through their fluffy heads. You shouldn't have to though, and for that I am sorry.

I hope I didn't offend anyone with what I said. I just wish people could behave a little more, and know better than to try and get in between someone's relationship. That is all.

[Daevulfe]

Your perspective is not wrong.  Sadly I wish I could say that you are crazy and being silly ... but you are not. My partner and myself had such happen to us at numerous times - and each time we strongly voiced our distaste.

I simply think that most of the furs that cause such issues do not know how to exist in the 'real world'.  Secondly and probably more true to the fact that going to a con or an event is probably the only bit of 'tail' they may get until that time next year.  or they forget that life is a lot different than a fantasy world.

The last time someone did something stupid I simply asked if it would be okay to finger their mother while his father looked on.  He was insulted.  I asked why would that be wrong but you feel you can hit on my life-partner?  Most will understand.

Most ... are just screwed in the head.  Or jealous.  As a friend of mine once said, once you have a partner, others think there must be a reason why, and they want to find out.

Chin up.  Be strong.  Stand your ground ... and piss your territory.  *laughs*

DaeVulfe.

[Gizmo]

Your perspective is not wrong.  Sadly I wish I could say that you are crazy and being silly ... but you are not. My partner and myself had such happen to us at numerous times - and each time we strongly voiced our distaste.

I simply think that most of the furs that cause such issues do not know how to exist in the 'real world'.  Secondly and probably more true to the fact that going to a con or an event is probably the only bit of 'tail' they may get until that time next year.  or they forget that life is a lot different than a fantasy world.

The last time someone did something stupid I simply asked if it would be okay to finger their mother while his father looked on.  He was insulted.  I asked why would that be wrong but you feel you can hit on my life-partner?  Most will understand.

Most ... are just screwed in the head.  Or jealous.  As a friend of mine once said, once you have a partner, others think there must be a reason why, and they want to find out.

Chin up.  Be strong.  Stand your ground ... and piss your territory.  *laughs*

DaeVulfe.

Sound advice. You've given me a lot to think about ...

[Sevrin]

A lot of furries, especially gay furries, are very sexually open. Often it's not really viewed as bad to have sex with whomever you please even if you're with someone, and for that reason some have trouble understanding when it's not okay. I agree with Dae, you just have to stand up to them, make sure they know it's not okay, get physical with them if you need to (you're a big guy giz, you can be intimidating if you try)

[Shiro]

...make sure they know it's not okay, get physical with them if you need to (you're a big guy giz, you can be intimidating if you try)

Firstly: Do not try to threaten or intimidate people. This is not a good idea, and will more than likely end up making the situation a lot worse than it is. If anyone is upsetting you at an event or in public, inform someone with authority immediately.

Why? Entering a situation where you try to "intimidate" or "use brute force" to make an individual stop is a crime. Harassment is not okay, but if you turn around and try to intimidate them then the authorise / police will treat you as the instigator ( sometimes even letting them off the hook! ).

Secondly: Its hard to tell at a party who is and who isn't dating unless you have prior information on who is and who is not in a relationship. Beyond that, I've come to find a good number of furs have a lack for some social graces; it may be hard for them to straight up ask "Are you in a relationship? No? May I hit on you then?". Being Naive is no excuse, but this should weigh in on how hard you deal with the matter. If you do find yourself in a situation where someone is hitting on you and you are in a relationship/taken/don't like it, please try to follow these simple steps:

A) Tell them politely to stop.
B) Give them verbal warning that you will inform the proper authorites
C) If they continue, actually inform them.

Remember! Sometimes being courteous is all it takes!

Thirdly: If you ever get into a scenario where you have to deal with anyone in a place of authority, be courteous. They want to see everyone safe and happy! Escalating is not their end game.

Please be safe, people.
Winter

Post scriptum:
Take it as you will, my intentions are to keep you safe and sound!

[Neox]

It's just the way the community is, Giz. A lot of people come here for the sexual stimulation (or at least they fall into it upon witnessing that aspect) and they get used to... "mingling" with like-minded individuals. Add that to the lack of filter or foresight that tons of furries seem to have (typically MALE furries... insert the ["thinking with our dicks" excerpt of our many stereotypes] here), and you've got horny dudes that will try to hump (or be humped by) anything with a working circulatory system. (Oh who am I kidding, as long as the reproductive organs work, a lot of them won't even notice a pulse or lack thereof).

On a more serious note: I know it can be a bit of a piss-off when people start encroaching on your turf. Your partner should be able to tell them to "jog on" and that should be the end of it. I personally feel quite flattered and empowered when someone starts hitting on my partner, because to me it's kinda like, "Hah. Yeah, you want what I have. Too bad, she's mine." As long as she tells them off and they keep to themselves afterward, I'm fine with it. Thankfully, I've never had an incident where I had to get involved.

Treat it civil. If you have an attractive partner, that's just the risks you're going to face, no matter what. The fact that you're in a relationship and you make it known really isn't a deterrent in the furry community. So many people in this community IN relationships like to sleep around. It's just a common thing. I'm not saying you're wrong for wanting some consideration from other folks before they make a move on you or your partner, but in this community, you really shouldn't expect it.

[squashNstretch]

Another possibility is the large growth of people that fall into a polygamous category. I remember back 20 or so years ago, right around the time it was getting safer to come out as gay or bi, a lot of the gay people I knew thought nothing of coming on super strong to the straight guys. It was usually done in the 'Totally kidding but actually not' kind of way. My wife and I are part of another... 'niche', and when we go to social events as a couple there people feel much more comfortable 'testing the waters' as to what she (and we) are open to with outside of the relationship.

It's never gone past the point of playfulness where either of us have had to put our foot down. We've even had it happen a couple of times where the 3rd interested party has asked permission from both of us for whatever - And truth be told so far we've been open to things as long as they are not 'relationshippy' things.

[Sevrin]

Firstly: Do not try to threaten or intimidate people. This is not a good idea, and will more than likely end up making the situation a lot worse than it is. If anyone is upsetting you at an event or in public, inform someone with authority immediately.

Why? Entering a situation where you try to "intimidate" or "use brute force" to make an individual stop is a crime. Harassment is not okay, but if you turn around and try to intimidate them then the authorise / police will treat you as the instigator ( sometimes even letting them off the hook! ).

There's a big difference between punching someone in the face and being aggressive. If someone isn't getting the message, you can tell them to fuck off, if they still don't, get up in their face, maybe give them a shove. If they go crying to the police "I was hitting on his boyfriend and wouldn't stop, then he shoved me" they are gonna laugh it off.
Not to mention, taking a personal matter to the police is immoral, the cops have better shit to do than deal with your relationship drama. "This guy was hitting on my boyfriend" is not a good reason to call the cops.

[Shiro]

Serving,  I'm not saying call the cops because someone is hitting on your boyfriend,  I'm saying don't get aggressive.  It's just not a good idea. It's not going to make the situation better and in all likelihood it's going to rapidly make it worse.

But like, in truthfulness? If someone is hitting on your Mate it's your mates responsibility to tell them to stop, not yours. They need to respect themselves and your relationship emough to figure that out.

[Pat The Fox]

There's a big difference between punching someone in the face and being aggressive. If someone isn't getting the message, you can tell them to fuck off, if they still don't, get up in their face, maybe give them a shove. If they go crying to the police "I was hitting on his boyfriend and wouldn't stop, then he shoved me" they are gonna laugh it off.
Not to mention, taking a personal matter to the police is immoral, the cops have better shit to do than deal with your relationship drama. "This guy was hitting on my boyfriend" is not a good reason to call the cops.

A shove is an assault. Police will not 'laugh it off'. If a person files a complaint, a charge can be laid, or a civil suit can follow. Do not advocate using violence as you are advocating a criminal activity. Police will follow through on any valid complaint made. Is having a record worth putting on a tough-guy act?

Also, after you shove them, you now are in a position where the person can take action in self-defence, an act protected by law. This can put you in a very painful position when they strike back.

Last point I will make, though it is as important if not more than the others, is you never know how someone is going to react to an aggressive action. A person could have a weapon, could have friends who then attack you as well, could have training that they instinctively go in to that can cause great harm. Or you could lose it in the fight, go too far and do real damage, hit someone unintended in a melee, and really paint yourself as a hot-head and unapproachable person.

[willow]

I have learned something over the years, believe it or not this is not the only place this happens. Yes it may be more noitcable. But I have friends in alot of diffrent communities. For example the hardcore scene, I have seen people hit on other peoples gf/bfs right infront of there mate. The artsie film scene well i have had people approch me at events right in front of my bf and ask me out on dates. The thing is people everywhere still think they have a chance and tend not to understand boundries very well. You can post about it and some of those people are still going to sluff it off. But if your mate is saying there hitting on him he needs to speek up weather its going to hurt those peoples feelings or not. I know there is the chance of losing certin friends when doing that but if they are real friends they will respect that. Also if it gets to the point where he has been blunt and told them "I have a mate I'm not intrested." And they continue to persist then I suggest legal action.

Also everyone has diffrent views but a bit of flirting and compliments are ok and harmless. If I got mad everytime someone hit on my mate at one of his shows it would be a blood bath. As long as the person isnt strait out being a perv and always remeber touching anyways but a hug isnt ok.

[Gizmo]

I have learned something over the years, believe it or not this is not the only place this happens. Yes it may be more noitcable. But I have friends in alot of diffrent communities. For example the hardcore scene, I have seen people hit on other peoples gf/bfs right infront of there mate. The artsie film scene well i have had people approch me at events right in front of my bf and ask me out on dates. The thing is people everywhere still think they have a chance and tend not to understand boundries very well. You can post about it and some of those people are still going to sluff it off. But if your mate is saying there hitting on him he needs to speek up weather its going to hurt those peoples feelings or not. I know there is the chance of losing certin friends when doing that but if they are real friends they will respect that. Also if it gets to the point where he has been blunt and told them "I have a mate I'm not intrested." And they continue to persist then I suggest legal action.

Also everyone has diffrent views but a bit of flirting and compliments are ok and harmless. If I got mad everytime someone hit on my mate at one of his shows it would be a blood bath. As long as the person isnt strait out being a perv and always remeber touching anyways but a hug isnt ok.

I think you and I are thinking on the same wave-length here ...
I just never really noticed this happening outside the Furry community ... perhaps I have blinders on and only see what I wanna see? I dunno. It really is not a problem with our relationship. Up to a certain point, I think it is flattering. But, it just seems to keep happening - therefore, I seem to notice it more. Neither of us are a part of 'other communities' so are not really exposed to those other communities.
Thank you for your perspective ... it really helps!

[willow]

It's not a problem,  it does happen here to I have seen it my self.  I get called a bitch alot for these kinds of matters because even when i have seen it happening to my friends i speak up and people dont like the truth.