Stepping Back

[Lusiphur]

Most of you don't know me, many won't care... some know me and still won't care, so I'll keep it brief...

I've decided to step back from this community (and others) due to recent events that leave me feeling like I'm just putting a lot of time and effort into a losing battle.

I try to be a caring, giving, outgoing person in general. Yes, I can be a bit of an ass at times but generally it's more of a light-natured ribbing than anything malicious. I've tried to be a good friend, a decent acquaintance, or just someone who's not too shabby to hang out with.

What I find, however, is that I don't really get anything from any of it other than headaches, less money in my wallet and less time to spend on other things in my life. Since joining this community I've had people take advantage of me, steal from me, lie to me... I've seen people that I care about as friends get shit heaped upon them by petty and shallow people with nothing better to spend their time on. I've had people that I care for lead me on when they really had no intention of anything more (which is fine, that I can move on with) and people that I've loved get their lives torn apart in front of me leaving me standing by helpless and in shock.

I'm tired of opening myself up to all of this. I'm tired of being the punching bag that people feel it's OK to abuse. I'm not going to stick around just to give and give and hardly ever see so much as a "thank you" when I go out of my way to help those around me.

As I said, most of you won't care... why should you, you don't know me, and I'm OK with that. Some of you might care... who knows... right about now I don't expect many will even bother to read this far before firing off a knee-jerk response and that's OK too.

[Temrin]

I wish you luck in your endeavors. Though i do warn you, you will find those kinds of attitudes in people all over the world and in any setting. Not just the furry fandom. Now while i do understand and support taking a break or stepping away from things that are causing you stress, the stress you mentioned can be found everywhere.

So i hope you find somewhere that is less stressful for you and makes you happier.

[Sasha]

As Temrin describes, we are just people, you cannot blame "the community" as it appears even if that was meant very generally regarding your experiences. edit: unintentional implication I often add by mistake to clean words.

"care" is a very broad word, and that I do not have to explicitly care for you to read your voice! You may find that some people in a community are interested and concerned about the people who are involved in it, and it should be natural. These crowds you hang out with are maybe not the type you should, and hopefully those people are not the whole community, and that you add such experiences to your street wise experiences...

It might be that you need to tackle who you meet a different way, a break stepping back and realising things is important...

Tigerface.

[Lusiphur]

My choice of wording may have been unable to properly convey my intent.

I'm not blaming this community for anything specifically... I am, however, saying that I've encountered more of the things I mentioned in this community than I have in the rest of my life. Basically in the year or so that I've been involving myself with this community I've seen more backstabbing (amongst others), deceit, greed and selfishness than I've seen throughout most of my adult life.

In part, this is due to the fact that, since opening myself to the community, I've been more outwardly active and social than I had been for some time... in equal part it's to do with the people I've met and their own personal ledgers of pluses and minuses. In the end, I'm just saying that I'm taking a step back "from this community (and others)" meaning that I'm pulling back socially and giving myself time to recover. It wasn't "I'm leaving the Furry community because it's hateful and I'm disgusted" as some people seem to be possibly interpreting ;) One might note the "and others" part there.

[Temrin]

I didnt mean to say you were blaming. I totally understand what you mean by seeing more of those things in this community (and others). For the first while i was in it, i saw a lot of it too. but you learn who to trust, who'd you'd rather not be around, etc after time. So i hope when you come back, you are able to do that :3

For me, now, i focus on positive things the best i can and if someone treats me like crap for no reason (or for immature petty reasons,) then they just aren't worth my time :3 Makes life a lot better when you pick and choose who you want to be around and those people are positive happy goers instead of drama lama's and the like ^^

[tokar]

hey man    i know the feeling that you just have to get away for awhile and take stock of what is happening around you.  this can be a hard journey.

i am sure you will stay in some form of contact with the forums even if it is just to read the calendar, and a chosen few of the people.  you will be missed.

[J.R.Bear]

Welcome to the Human Race. We excel at using and abusing. There will always be people in your life that will take advantage of you if you let them. You need to choose the people you spend time with. If you are not getting anything out of a relationship except frustration, terminate it. If you say you are emotionally attached to these people who make you so frustrated then you need to reevaluate yourself and how you relate to others. Get out and meet other furs, ones that you have related interests and activities with. Remember that furs are just like any other diverse group of people, there's gonna be a lot of them you don't like, but some you'll make great friendships with. Withdrawing from social activity in a forum post serves only to stir up drama. Its an immature thing to do and will not get you the positive attention you want.  Don't feel sorry for yourself, do be a man, learn from past failings in life and move on.

[Sevrin]

Take some time to gather yourself, not too long though, try to keep it less than a month or two, then come back and try again, giving up or running away aren't gonna make things better for you, believe me I know, people can be jerks, and friends can drift away or be lost, but distancing yourself from people isn't going to help, you just gotta keep at it.

[Nibi]

Well! Here's my two cents...

I've been drama free for 4 years now. Now to some that may be absolutely incredible and it wasn't that hard to accomplish for me at all (may be harder for others though, of course). My life used to be filled with drama constantly, like I wouldn't be involved in something and then suddenly I was, it was exhausting and it drove me to really, really, REALLY, hate people. A lot. xD;;; I ended up angry and depressed all of the time and just got to the point where I didn't want to deal with anybody anymore. And that's what happened and it was the best thing I did. For a year I lost a lot of friends that I thought were bad for me, I (jokingly) called them psychic vampires (not to their faces though XD) because I constantly felt drained around them and to me, friends aren't supposed to do that to you. Friends are supposed to lift your spirits and make you feel on top of the world.

After this period of losing a lot of friends (which was really sad, since some I had known since I was 6yrs old) I had a quiet time where the 3 friends I still had and my family were what I really focused on for the next couple months. After this period of, well, getting to know myself better and think about my life up to that point, I felt at peace and like it was time to make new friends again that had no attachments to any of my old ones. So I started attending anime group events in my city and just meeting new people. Since all of this drama happened to me I had a "sixth sense" for people I wouldn't get along with or wouldn't be good for me.

I got reeeeaaaally picky with who I wanted to hang around. And this is really important, don't just start hanging out with somebody, talk to them, get to know their views and see how they react in certain situations. Look for people who can keep their cool, be accepting of different opinions and would rather talk out a problem then make a big fuss about it behind the scenes. Look for people who are selfless and would give you as much as you'd return. Avoid people who love drama and taking advantage of people like the plague, just don't get involved. When it comes to advice or helping out a friend, let them have at it first. Wait till they come to you for help, don't go running to them. If they honestly want help and answers they will seek it. I don't give advice or get involved if somebody casually brings up their problems in a conversation. That to me doesn't sound like they're ready to listen and take advice. When a lot of my friends want to talk they do so in a way that really seems like they want my help and I'd do the same back to them as well.

Stop paying for people, just stop it. It should be a gesture of generosity and it should make you feel good about yourself when you do it. It it ever feels annoying or like somebody is taking advantage of you then you definitely should not do it. Put your foot down and say no. If the person gets upset, it's their fault, not yours. Never feel pity or bad. It may seem mean, but this is how good parents act towards kids who throw a tantrum. ;P

Sorry this ended up longer than it should have, I seem to get carried away on these forums. My apologies. :P

[Neox]

You're one of the guys I wanna have over when Josh and I get a house.  Send me a PM and we can exchange cell #s or something if you want, and we'll hang out in a less-crowded atmosphere.  I'd still like to hang out with ya now and again. =)

[Silvermink]

Sad to hear this, but I also understand it. I think at some point you get pretty good at distinguishing the people who just need a little understanding from the people who think that decent people are just a particular breed of sucker. It's frustrating that you have to cultivate that skill, though.

[Drake Wingfire]

This is a story I have heard a few times sadly.. My only advice is to not invest so much into trying to make friends with everyone, there will always be those who are vastly different from yourself that you just wont blend well with, along those same lines there are those who simply just take what ever handouts they can get and then split. I don't mean to sound so negative. Its just this is the same thing that happened with me when I was 16-18 years old. I was trying too hard to be Mr Nice Guy (the yes man who just did anything to please people) and trying too hard to make friends with everyone. I got really depressed and frustrated when some furs who I thought were pretty cool didn't want anything to do with me until there was something on the table they wanted. I eventually learned to not waste my time on some people, if its a no-go from the get-go I just back off a bit and don't push it to try and make friends or be there. I will still talk to those people if the situation arises, I just wont be making a huge effort to do it out of thin air though. I would rather spend my time and energy on those I know who genuinely like talking to me and seeing me.

I am not saying to give up on making friends and finding genuine people. In fact I am saying quite the opposite, I am simply saying if people are not gonna give you the time of day despite you being friendly and approachable, then they are not worth YOUR time. There are plenty of fish in the friendship sea for everyone. Just because one may not fit in with a particular crowd or niche doesn't mean that all hope is lost. It really means that the current effort with some individuals has not yielded any social progress and its better to just move on. If you focus too hard on trying to make friends with specific people you will just drive yourself into a bit of a depression when the chemistry doesn't work.

[Neox]

Hahaha I think some people are over-reading it (Drake =P).

I kinda understand Luse's perspective on it because I've been there for a good few of the instances where we both went out on a limb to help folks in one way or another, and neither of us got anything in the way of thanks from many people.  (NOT saying that we didn't get ANY thanks, but some of the more directly-affected people didn't even bat an eyelash at us while others who witnessed were like, "Wow, kudos guys.")  I know not EVERYONE is going to remember, but it's nice when SOMEONE at least can come up and say, "Hey, Neox/Lusiphur: that was real cool and gentlemanly of you, thank you."

You get to the point where you begin to feel like the worn-out old elementary school teacher having to shepherd a flock of snot-nosed brats.  You end up just not giving a fuck anymore, and when you do THAT, people look at you like, "Wow, you're being a real asshole today man. What crawled up your ass and died?"  I respect Luse's decision to want to have a bit of a vacation from that garbage.

A little recognition goes a LONG way, guys.  Some of you'd be surprised to see just how huge a difference something as small as a sincere "thank you" can make.

[Nibi]

A little recognition goes a LONG way, guys.  Some of you'd be surprised to see just how huge a difference something as small as a sincere "thank you" can make.

^
This.

Honestly if everybody just said thank you or showed they were indeed grateful for what you did for them, it wouldn't make things nearly as bad.

[Lusiphur]

A little recognition goes a LONG way, guys.  Some of you'd be surprised to see just how huge a difference something as small as a sincere "thank you" can make.

Hey... who the F%$K told you you were allowed to read my mind and word this better than I was doing?!?! :P

But yeah... about 90% of my post was basically this right here ;)

Tho I do also have to say that Drake did have a valid point in the fact that I need to maybe be a less generous and giving person as it's just bound to be abused and used anyway. *shrug*

Either way, the MAIN point of my post was more along the lines of "I need a break from people in general because I'm feeling run-down from trying to be a decent human being" and since the group I've been most socially active with this past year is the Furry community, it was logical (in my mind) that I mention my hiatus plans here as it would be the group most likely to notice my absence... and I, for one, don't tend to like to just vanish without explanation. So for those who think "oh great, another drama post" I apologize, it was more of an... explanation post.

It's also not to say that I won't still be keeping in touch with friends I've made around here either, I just won't necessarily be looking to go to as many events and such where larger groups are together in one place.