Terrible Movies To Come: 2012 Edition

[Univaded_Fox]

Surely, if there is a sign for this year to have apocalyptic overtones, it must be found amongst the vast swath of cinematic refuse preparing to overwhelm theaters.  Heads up people: It's the end of good ideas as we know them!

Underworld: Awakening - Originally meant for harassing audiences of 2011, the fourth film in the Underworld franchise has now been sentenced to the dumping ground of January; a bleak season when castaways deemed not great enough for either the prestige of December or the wall to wall blockbusters of summer can languish in obscurity.  Even critics have been denied their early reviews, giving audiences one weekend of blissful ignorance before a surely overwhelming derision sends them running from cinemas everywhere.

Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance - What else can you say about a movie whose first trailer ended with the titular hero urinating a stream of fire?

Wrath of the Titans - No doubt soon to be followed by "Search for the Titans" and "Voyage of the Titans Home."

The Three Stooges - I don't know what's worse: That this heinous manhandling of a beloved comedy trio is being directed by The Farrelly Brothers, or that it includes a cameo by the entire cast of The Jersey Shore.

Scary Movie 5 - Um...

Battleship - How do you create a movie out of a board game?  1. Add Aliens,  2. Spend $250 million, 3. Hire Liam Neeson for credibility, or 4. All of the above?

I Hate You Dad - Adam Sandler stars...and that's all you need to know.

G.I. Joe: Retaliation - Well, let's see: New cast, new writers, new directors.  Yeah, this looks promising!  On the other hand, considering how low they set the bar the first time around, this purge just might be what the script doctor ordered.

Step Up 4 - Maybe it's actually Step Up 4-D!  In yo face...yo!

Diary of A Wimpy Kid: Dog Days - Unless that title refers to the protagonist actually being transformed into a dog, I'll skip this one.

The Expendables 2 - Because it's not like Sylvester Stallone and all of the other 1980s action hero has-beens are doing anything else of importance.

Resident Evil: Retribution - Is this series ever going to end?

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3D and Halloween 3D - Dear God, why?  If there was any indication that we have hit the 3-D rock bottom, this surely has to be it.  Just like in the 1980s when the studios trotted out Jaws 3-D, Friday the 13th 3-D, and Amityville Horror 3-D, the third entry in a dying franchise is just another excuse to throw things at audiences everywhere with all the subtly of an SCTV skit.

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2 - Finally, mercifully, this egregious franchise will conclude the menopausal women's wet dream that will go down as the most retrospectively embarrassing pop culture phenomenon of the decade.  

Anything produced by The Asylum - Masters of the mockbuster, The Asylum is rapidly eclipsing Cannon Group for its sheer output of low-budget, direct-to-DVD, exploitive B and C-grade rip-offs of better films. At the present time, their scheduled releases for the new year include some effed-up monster flick titled 2 Headed Shark Attack, starring Carmen Elecktra (and you though she couldn't step down any lower than Seltzberg movies), Grimm's Snow White (because after two Snow White movies everybody will want thirds!) and American Battleship (duh!).  But if it is anything like the cerebral torture of their 2011 releases Battle of Los Angeles, 200mph, Mega Python vs. Gatoroid, Almighty Thor, Barely Legal, 3 Musketeers, 2012: Ice Age, Princess and The Pony, Dragon Crusaders, Anneliese: The Exorcise Tapes, Zombie Apocalypse or 11/11/11, Asylum's statandards of quality will not be challenged anytime soon by thoughts or ideas.


And, finally, my vote for the worst movie of next year...

The Biggest Movie of All Time 3D - From the people who brought you Epic Movie and Meet The Spartans comes this oh-so-subtle spoof of Avatar...and every other film that has been even remotely popular since.  That's right, Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg are gearing up for their first (pray last) 3-D spectacular.  Since they typically shoot on a slapdash budget of $20 million and have the attention spans of 4-year-olds with ADD drinking high fructose soda, we can expect 'parodies' of every summer blockbuster in 2011, a cast of not-so-celebrity-look-alikes, and an especially eye-gouging use of shoddy 3-D.  

[Fazar]

You know, I swear if a lot more people had access to the funds or connections to make movies, We'd see a lot less shitty ones... or a lot more.  Either way, I still feel a lot of these people make movies poorly just because they can.  They look like atrocious failhards.

That said, there are some good ones out there occasionally.

[Univaded_Fox]

Subtlety just died, and it's killer was The Asylum.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0tFaQYSFLuE

[Ja'Nathun]

I just noticed this thread (thank you, self-bump), and I have today t least this much in defense of Battleship: you have to give them credit for not trying to do a movie based on the ACTUAL gameplay and literal mechanics of battleship. I think they've actually done the least they could do to make it a worthwhile movie.

That being said, it will likely flop.

[Tef]

Michael Bay's TMNT is still high on this list. I wouldn't even bother searching up for the trailer as I fear that this movie would be a desecration of my childhood interests.

[Univaded_Fox]

Tef, it's Michael Bay.  Your fears are well justified.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=of0F7E17xW4
Wow!...David Hasselhoff is a douche!

[Aeturnus]

Here's a movie about a talking teddy bear that has a potty mouth.

Ted Movie Trailer 2

Here's a movie that might leave you going 'meh.' Certain parts look amusing, but there's also a couple of scenes that look kind of stupid. I honestly don't see this movie becoming anything big.