How to Explain You're a Furry/What a Furry is

[Neox]

After hanging out with a bunch of you guys at numerous events, large and small, I've had the opportunity to observe how some people try to explain to non-furs what being a furry is all about, in casual encounters.

And I hate to say it, guys, but... it needs work. XD  Almost every conversation I've witnessed involved a lot of stumbling over the concepts and uncertainty in what the person was trying to explain. I believe that one of the most important bits of Furry P.R. is not in the media coverage or newspaper articles we get at cons, but in the one-on-one interactions we have with our friends, family, and regular people in our day-to-day lives. I mean, let's face it: no matter how hard some of you try to hide it from your parents or your friends, they're GOING to find out someday. Something's gonna slip... mom might walk in to your room with the computer left on while you ran to the washroom... little brother or sister finds your sketchbooks with the horrific furry porn in it and shows mum and dad... some questions will be asked when you make a trip to Vancouver for the weekend for a "party" which happens to coincide with this thing called "Vancoufur," that they read about in the paper or saw on the 6:00 news (and... OMG! There's a picture of YOU! Making a horrible attempt to hide behind some fursuiters!) BUSTED!

So... rather than being confronted with the questions and having no answers... or stumbling to find some... why not have the idea prepared in your head so you can at least make a good case? Being a furry isn't THAT weird to others as long as you can explain it in a way that they can understand. When you jump and stutter while trying to defend yourself, it only serves to inform the other person that you're embarrassed about it because YOU think it's weird, and that's not the point you want to get across, now is it? I know, even for the longest time, I had trouble defining what it means to be a furry... so I set about gathering what information I'd gleaned over 10 years as a full-fledged participant and building my own explanation that I feel covers a lot of the concepts and is fair to most of my fellow furs.

Not every fur is going to agree with you, no matter how you explain it. Either way, this is how I tend to colour it for people, and you can take from it what you like and feel free to discuss it:

First off: I always say, It's a nerd thing, not unlike a Star Wars, Star Trek or anime fandom. This immediately establishes something that's at least familiar to most people, and is generally accepted as a harmless hobby or passion... and it's not untrue. As furries, we've a lot in common with these other subcultures. Any attempt to deny the fact that this is very much a nerd's passion is delusional, and it's going to make the person you're explaining it to wonder just how fucking crazy you are. Acknowledging that it's a nerdy thing right-away sets the tone that you realize it's kinda different for most people and you're not insane for thinking so.

Then, I move into the core concepts of what being a furry is, to most people in our community:

Everyone, at some point in their lives, has wished they could be an animal of their choice for a day. We've simply chosen to play out on that fantasy as a hobby, for fun and creativity's sake. Some people read books to get away from reality for a few minutes/hours; others play videogames. This is our escapism, and I often find that it's far more imaginitive than reading books and playing games that are entirely written and crafted by someone else. Many of the people here have designed their OWN characters which serve as an avatar for them (whether they've DRAWN it themselves is a different story), and everything here is left up to our imagination. Nobody writes it for us. It's a type of roleplay just like how some people dress up like one of King Arthur's subjects and attend a medieval festival.

Whenever I get asked about the fetishes or the furry adult artwork, I usually shrug at it like it's no big deal rather than avoid the subject or outright deny its existence. But that's a conversation I don't really feel too comfortable sharing here since these forums are supposed to be PG-13 (last I knew...)

The most important thing is relating it to terms that can be perceived by someone who has no idea what the furry community is really like. We're a COMMUNITY (of nerds.) We're not some sort of cult or underground group of sexual deviants. We're just a bunch of folks who share a liking for imaginative escapism. We're no different than the people who write and create the videogames you play or the fantasy movies you watch (in fact... there are a lot of furries who are successful workers IN BOTH of those industries.) Realizing that not everybody shares our type of imagination is the first step to translating it into relative terms, otherwise it's like trying to explain the workings of an internal combustion engine to a three-year-old.

So that's just a shade of it. I know everyone's going to have a different explanation on what being a furry means to them, but the same techniques apply. I've had good success shedding light on it for many people who weren't just ignorant of it, but were quite wary of it to begin with. Maybe this thread could be used to help others find their own meaning and develop their own techniques for explaining it. :)

[tokar]

@Neox  you are so f.....ng articulate.  you manage to put into words so much of what others are thinking but somehow never get from thought to written or vocal word.

you have wisdom beyond your years

[Sevrin]

I think a big part of the problem is that people don't have anything prepared to say, and to a lot of people they don't even know WHY they are furry, so being asked what furry is can be hard to answer, because they themselves haven't really thought about it. Furry to a lot of people is sort of an abstract thing, and thus hard to put into words.
I personally dislike comparing it to star wars/trek fandoms because to a lot of people the word "trekkie" is synonymous with loser and if you have someone who is interested in furries that thinks that way, their brain will immediately shut off as soon as you make that association and they will lose all interest in furries. When I am confronted with the question of "what is a furry" I won't lie I stumble over my words like most furries do, but what I generally prefer to go for is explaining that it isn't the same for everybody, but that for some it's spiritual, for others it's artistic, and for some it's a hobby. I will try to explain the value of the community, and then I finish up with how I became a furry and what it means to me.
If the question of "is it a fetish" or fur piles is asked, I generally say that no, it's not a fetish, and furries don't have any more sex than anyone else.

@Neox  you are so f.....ng articulate.  you manage to put into words so much of what others are thinking but somehow never get from thought to written or vocal word.

you have wisdom beyond your years

This, so jealous.

[J.R.Bear]

I think you've summed up the essentials of what "Furry" is very well. You've also worded it in a way that frames us positively and in a manner the general population could identify with. Everyone now a day is some kind of nerd :P Even most of the jocks I know are sports nerds.

[weremagnus]

It's a nerd thing, not unlike a Star Wars, Star Trek or anime fandom.

Yes this! Even if you yourself consider it more than that, this is such a safe opener. My mom unfortunately saw the dreaded CSI episode long before I could articulate a proper explanation of what I was into, but I've finally, after many a long year, shown and convinced her that it's hardly any different than a Star Wars convention or any other comic convention, or their corresponding communities. It is so important to compare this to "safe nerd communities" that people already A) know of and B) are over the sensationalization of it.

No one cares if you're a Trekkie for the same reasons I hope nobody cares if you're a furry. And when I say 'no one cares' I just mean they're not going to gasp and make a huge deal out of it and ask you where your sexy-time fursuit is.

[Tony Greyfox]

At our 'Furries in the Media' panel at VancouFur, Carthage's father - very much not a furry but a very experienced journalist and, thereby, very good observer - made a very good point that I found really interesting. No matter what all we're into in this fandom, whatever our involvement, we all have some kind of character that we use to portray us - we've created something that acts as our representative online, etc. He said it was surprising to see the level of creativity that everyone he spoke with had put into it - and wondered why we don't point out more frequently that creative endeavours are a key tie that binds most of the fandom together. Started me thinking, and I realized that his evaluation was a great starting point for explaining what furry's about.
I have a feeling that I'll be trying to explain it to some of my coworkers sometime soon since I build the conbook after hours in the office and was talking about working VF with a few people; if that's the case, then pointing out that it's a creative collective, similar to the other geek fandoms but with a focus on animals with human characteristics, will be my go-to description.

[Drake Wingfire]

I think the real only ball drop in most instances is when someone asks about furry and HAS done a micro amount of research.. Enough to just get "these guys like animals... they like porn...and they dress up" so when they do actually confront someone about what furry is, they dive right for the freak aspects. The freak aspects are the only thing people WANT to know about, just so they got something to croon about and make themselves feel better about their own lives. Its like the news.. No one wants to hear about how old Mrs Smith made a dozen apple pies for her granddaughters school bake sale, and how everyone loved them, that shit is boring to the world. They wanna hear about the 350lb man who got dressed up in a latex sailor moon getup and decided to go down town for kicks, and how his mini skirt tore just as a bus load of school kids were passing by. Here is another ironic example, Otherkin/ Therians in the fur fandom, even for as open minded of a community as we are, there are those of us who will still pass that exact same "freak show" judgment onto another group like those ones and not give two craps how hard they try and prove they are just good sensible people, because that doesn't fit the freaks judgement that some of us like to carry around in our heads.

Furries are gonna be center stage of the world freak show for a while, many have tried, admirably so, to put the fandom in a nice light. we can keep making the Star-trek, Star-wars, Anime and Model Train Collector comparisons all we want, but its not about the fact we are a group with interests, every person out there belongs to some sorta group weather they are aware of it or not. The real core of it has always been the nitty gritty, the dirt, the sex. I am not saying to shout to the heavens "I love tentacles and herms!" but the awkward dodging of the adult thing saying "oh yeah like.. one or two people do it.." and the outright denial by many is the real elephant in the room as far as the fandom goes, not the fact that its animals, the fact we hangout, how we draw animals.. if that was the case 4H clubs would be getting the same media and reputation bombing. Its just the fact that Furries, along with every other living person or thing with a pulse tend to like to have this thing called sex, its just that our sexual interests parallel with our social and entertainment interests, people love to obsess and gossip about it, and we are fueling that by making it this "dark side" of the fandom and really getting all defensive or deeply ashamed of it when its brought up.

But if we are going to persist with the whole dodged and beat around the bush methods of dealing with the main area of interest people have with furries (the sexual side) then we might as well also start to flip the tables on them and start asking THEM why they are so obsessed with knowing about peoples sex lives to a rather creepy extent.. or why they are thinking about bestiality so much. haha if they are really gonna try and make us feel like freaks for just being who we are as mostly younger and lively people then we might as well try and give a little of it back and make them feel like they are the creepy old man peeking into the girls washroom, so to speak.

[Silvermink]

The real core of it has always been the nitty gritty, the dirt, the sex. I am not saying to shout to the heavens "I love tentacles and herms!" but the awkward dodging of the adult thing saying "oh yeah like.. one or two people do it.." and the outright denial by many is the real elephant in the room as far as the fandom goes, not the fact that its animals, the fact we hangout, how we draw animals.. if that was the case 4H clubs would be getting the same media and reputation bombing. Its just the fact that Furries, along with every other living person or thing with a pulse tend to like to have this thing called sex, its just that our sexual interests parallel with our social and entertainment interests, people love to obsess and gossip about it, and we are fueling that by making it this "dark side" of the fandom and really getting all defensive or deeply ashamed of it when its brought up.

I've been saying that for a while too. It's particularly a problem when any Joe Shmoe can spend two minutes on Google and dig up all he wants. It's out there and there's no point in pretending otherwise or pretending that it's just a tiny part of the fandom that has any interest in it when there's so much evidence suggesting otherwise - it just means people will stop trusting what you say, or poke at it because they can see it makes you uncomfortable. It also suggests to a lot of people that they should feel bad about what they like.

The good thing about people who treat furry like a freak show is that most of them just want to point, go "hah, freaks!", and move on. Not that that's a fun way to be treated, but very, very few of them are going to get obsessed with it. They just want a laugh and someone to feel superior to. Of course, this also means that very few of them are going to care enough to dig any further, but I think worrying too much about what people like that think is a bit of a lost cause. Changing what you do to suit them just gives them power they don't deserve.

[Drake Wingfire]

The good thing about people who treat furry like a freak show is that most of them just want to point, go "hah, freaks!", and move on. Not that that's a fun way to be treated, but very, very few of them are going to get obsessed with it. They just want a laugh and someone to feel superior to. Of course, this also means that very few of them are going to care enough to dig any further, but I think worrying too much about what people like that think is a bit of a lost cause. Changing what you do to suit them just gives them power they don't deserve.

I can totally agree there, that's what I was getting at with my first paragraph in my last reply. People just need someone or some group to judge and label as creepy weirdos so they wont feel so bad about their lives, they always feel better when they got this notion of "hey at least I am not a ______" and we are giving them a big Open For Business sign by getting all touchy and trying to badly hide what already is in plain sight. Heck, go to Google and type "Dragon Porn" into the image search.. lol no way to hide all that. XD

A huge part of the fandom already give no shits what a bunch of (mostly) middle aged to old people think of them, sure they don't run around screaming out their fetishes or other private details like that, but they also don't care who stumbles into their art or stories online and when people bring it up to them they usually go something like "what ever, get over yourself and your 19th century "Morales"". Its hard to attack those guys cause you cant make them feel ashamed of something they don't really have much shame about. But then you got the other parts of the fandom, the PG crusaders who are trying to paint us all as people who just visited Disney Land one too many times and all we wanna do is watch their movies and wear fake animal ears.. the guys who believe they are one of the fandoms saviors out to bring us back from the PR brink... sadly these are also part of the same people who lack any ability TO describe the fandom in any way other than Disney fanatics and who get all awkward or touchy when you mention the adult side of things to them. It just gives people more fuel for the fire because they are unaware that their crusading is really coming off as an insecure person trying to justify themselves, someone who carries a lot of shame around with them about being a furry but wants to be seen as normal in the eyes of the world.

[Dervacor]

Responding to a few posts above:

I don't think the core of the furry fandom is sex any more than sex is the core of an anime convention (anime has a LOT of fanservice too).  Sex exists everywhere in our society and I think it would be weird if the furry fandom was the one exception.

My thoughts on the subject

I think the furries in the media panel at VancouFUR was awesome too (I was the blue dragon :O dude.)

Basically, there were two take aways, one already mentioned (furries are very creative as a community and it's a great outlet for imagination and creative energy.)

The second take away is: stop presenting the furry fandom as what it -isn't- (it isn't about sex or piles of people in animal costumes having sex with animals.)  Don't lead with "oh, it's not really a fetish at all, we are totally normal *twitch*".  Instead focus on the points you actually find valuable.  Probably better to completely omit the sex aspect alltogether, you don't usually expect someone to say "oh, yes, I love drawing, painting, and reverse cowgirl is my favorite sex position."  Why bring up sex in the first minute of meeting someone.

If they want to ask, let them, but don't initiate it unless you really just want to talk about it.  There is 0 social obligation to "prep" someone for sexual aspects of your personal life, people don't do it usually.

Here's how I describe it when asked by a non-fur:

For me, I love dancing in my dragon costume, drawing pictures of my character, meeting all sorts of really kind and open people.  I like the ability to hug strangers in fursuits, it's fun and makes me happy, and I admire a lot of the art in the fandom, much of it is inspiring.  Furries know how to party.

It means something different to everyone who's in it, similar to genres of movies.  Yes, Lord of the Rings and Pulp Fiction are both movies, but they may appeal to different audiences even among people who all associate themselves as movie lovers.  In that same way it's not really possible to have a concrete definition of all the nitty gritty details of what people enjoy about the fandom except to say there is a common interest in animals with human like characteristics, or "anthropomorphic creatures".

You can basically be a furry if you simply say "I'm a furry" and nobody can prove you wrong.  By adopting the tag you associate with the community, and it is diverse and colorful.

When confronted about furries and sex:

What can I say?  I myself have drawn furry porn.  I take a lot of inspiration from the animal kingdom, fantasy, and humanity and they mix around a bit and come out the other end of my pen in both PG13 and XXX form depending on my mood.  Usually, but not always tame images.  I mean just look at my gallery, it's 2/3 clean, and 1/3 sexual.

I'm not sure I've ever met someone who has taken pride in how vanilla and boring their sex life is.  I suspect there's a certain jealousy some of the most vocal people have in my ability to just say "yeah, I find dragons attractive, deal with it."



When pressed for more:

First of all, this is a pretty personal question!  I expect you to share your sexual fantasies too if you really want to hear about mine.

I've gone to quite a few furcons and have never sought or participated in sex (I honestly would prefer a relationship), I don't have sex in costume but don't find the idea repulsive, just very sweaty.  I like the art though.

If you want a dissertation on my fantasies you are welcome to commission a short story on the subject! You seem to be genuinely interested, maybe we could roleplay! ;)

That usually ends it.

[Silvermink]

The second take away is: stop presenting the furry fandom as what it -isn't- (it isn't about sex or piles of people in animal costumes having sex with animals.)  Don't lead with "oh, it's not really a fetish at all, we are totally normal *twitch*".  Instead focus on the points you actually find valuable.  Probably better to completely omit the sex aspect alltogether, you don't usually expect someone to say "oh, yes, I love drawing, painting, and reverse cowgirl is my favorite sex position."  Why bring up sex in the first minute of meeting someone.

If they want to ask, let them, but don't initiate it unless you really just want to talk about it.  There is 0 social obligation to "prep" someone for sexual aspects of your personal life, people don't do it usually.

I agree with that - I'd say the majority of people who've asked me about furry haven't asked about the sex at all, and I haven't mentioned it because it's a weird thing to just randomly launch into if they don't ask about it and probably don't want to hear about it.

[Dervacor]

I agree with that - I'd say the majority of people who've asked me about furry haven't asked about the sex at all, and I haven't mentioned it because it's a weird thing to just randomly launch into if they don't ask about it and probably don't want to hear about it.

For sure!  I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks so. :D

I want to clarify one thing too!

I tend to be a lot more relaxed about the topic around furries while remaining respectful, so I'm a lot less shy about any topic at all (religion, politics, sex, whatever) than I would be in another setting.

That feeling of openness within the fandom is something I value.  The same way hugs, cute animal noises, and joy are more common in the fandom (though respectfully I typically don't initiate a hug unless I know it's okay, not everyone likes them!)

I really don't mind people coming up and sharing whatever details they want to, I feel like the fandom is one big close family anyway so it's not nearly as weird in that context  My advice in this thread is really primarily aimed at talking to coworkers, acquaintances, and strangers.

So, yeah, I'm not a prude in any way shape or form and am not afraid of the topic (I actually find it fascinating in an objective sense.)  I'm just a typical introvert sharing way more of my own thought process than anyone really cares to read.

:3

*chrrs and purrs and hugs for all*

[Drake Wingfire]

With what I was saying, I never said that one had to tell a complete stranger or any non-fur friend/ family member their own private details about their sex life or what they enjoy in a similar regard, not that the fandom is all about sex. My answer has always been "If no one is asking, I'm not telling" and I follow that when it comes to the fandom both in its PG and Adult representations simply because there are some headaches or awkward moments that are just plain unnecessary unless one truly feels that "come out of the closet" urge where they just cant seem to go on unless they spill the beans.

That being said, there isn't a lot one can do when someone who HAS done a little research comes up and prys, not to say that this is a common occurrence for most average people as its mostly the media that does this, and they know they are gonna be bullshitted either way so its all about just not giving them an inch or a flicker of doubt in your wording. But I HAVE had my parents and even one relative both pry into this. Did I come out smelling like a basket of roses? Heck no, no one is really prepared to be put on the spot. The best I personally did was keeping a mellow tone about it and treat it like it was not a big issue, a bit of a downplay tactic but at least you are showing that you are not all worried about being judged, nor do you seem like you are trying to hide something out of fear and in doing so the person you are talking to is more easily put into this sense that "oh this is just one of those things" and they can become a tad more dismissive of it in the right situation. Depending on the person this can still be a roll of the dice, but no more so than trying to use the "Disney" approach

[Dervacor]

With what I was saying, I never said that one had to tell a complete stranger or any non-fur friend/ family member their own private details about their sex life or what they enjoy in a similar regard, not that the fandom is all about sex. My answer has always been "If no one is asking, I'm not telling" and I follow that when it comes to the fandom both in its PG and Adult representations simply because there are some headaches or awkward moments that are just plain unnecessary unless one truly feels that "come out of the closet" urge where they just cant seem to go on unless they spill the beans.

That being said, there isn't a lot one can do when someone who HAS done a little research comes up and prys, not to say that this is a common occurrence for most average people as its mostly the media that does this, and they know they are gonna be bullshitted either way so its all about just not giving them an inch or a flicker of doubt in your wording. But I HAVE had my parents and even one relative both pry into this. Did I come out smelling like a basket of roses? Heck no, no one is really prepared to be put on the spot. The best I personally did was keeping a mellow tone about it and treat it like it was not a big issue, a bit of a downplay tactic but at least you are showing that you are not all worried about being judged, nor do you seem like you are trying to hide something out of fear and in doing so the person you are talking to is more easily put into this sense that "oh this is just one of those things" and they can become a tad more dismissive of it in the right situation. Depending on the person this can still be a roll of the dice, but no more so than trying to use the "Disney" approach

Yeah, that's pretty reasonable!  I wasn't completely dismissing all of your previous posts either, I just don't fully agree that the heart of the fandom is about sex.  Lots of furry artists don't even draw it so that is at least not true at all for some people (myself excluded, but even then I'm more interested in the escapist fantasy and group activities like conferences.)

[Silvermink]

Yeah, that's pretty reasonable!  I wasn't completely dismissing all of your previous posts either, I just don't fully agree that the heart of the fandom is about sex.  Lots of furry artists don't even draw it so that is at least not true at all for some people (myself excluded, but even then I'm more interested in the escapist fantasy and group activities like conferences.)

I don't think either of us were suggesting it is, there's just a lot of space between "it isn't the key aspect of the fandom" (true) and "only a tiny minority of people are interested in it" (false).