AHAHAHAHAHAHahahahahahAHhahahah....

[Brittany-shadowwolf]

myyyyyyy friends are meeeeeeeeeeen

Thanks for Noticing. It's one of my best features. c:

[Sevrin]

hahaha... I love you guys <3 sorry about this <.<;

[Lady Serpent]

Hey man, don't worry about being sorry.  We definitely don't mind.  And if someone does, they don't need to come into the thread.  We're here because we want to be.

I know you don't know me from anyone, but I hear you.  I'd always been a completely happy person; brilliantly alive, and somehow fairly recently I found myself in exactly the situation you're describing.  I was going through binge eating to cope; procrastinating school because I was afraid of the outcomes; all of those things.  It's shocking sometimes to realise that other people fight the same, or very similar battles.

Someone can tell you what to do, or what you *should* believe about yourself, but when you're in that kind of state, you can try as hard as you want to believe it, but it's very difficult if not impossible to just decide 'No, they're right.  I'll be fine.'  It's a battle in your own mind and eventually you'll come out on top, if you're as strong as you seem to be from the intense way you're burning inside yourself.  But I hear you; it's not something you can just 'switch off' and be fine.

Honestly, mate.. what worked for me and brought me back to feeling good was a combination of things.  The reason I fell into that place in the first place was feeling like I wasn't able to keep up with school.  I had too much going on -- school, volunteer things, art that I felt like I *should* be doing.. far too much going on so that I wasn't excelling at any one thing, merely existing.  I filled my plate that full because there were underlying issues.  I was in a place in my life I was unsure about -- I had spent years doing one thing that I felt I *should* be, and most of the turmoil was the fact that I was trying to live up to expectations of what I thought I *should* be; what people wanted of me, and not what I actually felt I wanted.  

I didn't realise it wasn't what I wanted until I realised that it was one of the main causes of my depression.  You can't excel at things you're not passionate about.  Not for any length of time.  And the passion comes from gaining feelings of success.  You can be passionate about anything you do, even something like working at a gas station, (for example), if you can feel good about showing up on time, doing a great job, and coming home at the end of the day with a paycheck and the freedom to do things you enjoy.  The passion is about enjoying every moment, and a good part of that comes from the ability to do what you think is right.  Small steps.  Small successes, like waking up in the morning and showering.  It might sound silly, but the small steps help.

I ended up stuck in a cycle of eating to feel comfortable, leaving me with damaging eating disorders.  That's not the cause, it's a symptom.  The big thing about those is that they make it ten times worse..  No matter if you're trying to cope by eating too much (gaining weight; having skin issues like acne), eating types of food your body doesn't need (same idea; weight gain, skin issues, general feelings of unwellness, etc), eating too little (feelings of lethargy; damage to muscle and organs, illness), or binging/purging (massive damage to body systems), it all stems from feelings of being out of control of your own life, and taking drastic measures to try to fix things, when food isn't the issue at all.  It's a symptom of the stress behind it.

For my own situation, I certainly wondered as well if I was going crazy.  I had it all; hallucinations; detachment with reality..

As I went through it, I realised that what mattered was being happy in this moment; and setting up future moments to allow myself to be happy.  Terrut makes a solid stab at this concept.  If you can find what you're unhappy about, you can start to think with reason instead of emotion.  You might be in a state right now where everything seems so impossible.  It's very hard to see clearly from in that state, but you don't need to see clearly.  You just need to be able to think enough to discover what, really, are the problems.  (I know, I've been there very intensely).  And you certainly seem capable of thinking; you have the drive to find out what the real issues are, and find ways of changing them.

If I were closer to you, I'd come over.  (Haha, don't worry; I'm not too much of a creeper.)  To have somebody to just say 'Hey; I'm a friend and I'm here for you', can help immensely.  The forums can be helpful, for sure.

If you want to chat by email sometime, I can give you my address.  I can't solve your problems; I'm certainly no psychologist, but I've gone through a lot myself, and come through, and I know it's very tough to feel that way.

Anyways, mate, I hope you're doing all right.  I won't tell you to hold your head up; it's not that easy.  All I can say is that I understand, and I'm always here to help.

-Sephren

[Sevrin]

a friend did actually come over and cheer me up, it was a big help and I'm very grateful to them, I'm feeling more or less better now, the problems are by no means gone, but at least I'm able to do stuff now. thanks though.

[Lady Serpent]

Glad to hear it.  : )

-LS