Nihilist

[Neox]

Forgive me.  I know I'm not an active, well-known individual in this forum, but I'm putting it on good faith that there may be those who will read this and understand my situation and possibly offer some advice that can help me.

I'm going through a bit of a rough spot.  Financially, I'm doing just dandy.  I live in my own (rented) house, I have all sorts of amenities that many lack the privilege of having, and I have friends and family who love me, so I'm not doing so terrible that I feel the need to complain about everything around me and I do acknowledge that I am better-off than some.  I'm thankful for all that I have, proud of my accomplishments and I try to help those who aren't as well-situated as I am.  Psychologically, though, I am at war.  The past two years have been a continuous uphill battle with myself and the way I perceive things.

To explain, I must start at the beginning of my troubles.  Approximately two years ago, I was in-love.  I was working on my seventh year with the girl that I was absolutely sure would be with me for the rest of my life.  I am not exaggerating in the slightest when I say that we were perfect.  Both of us were artists, enjoyed the same music and video-games, both discovered our affinity to dragons and otherkin together and were both active members in this community as artists and friends to many.  We did everything together.  She was also one of the most beautiful female specimens that I've ever seen, and I mean that in the physical sense.  Every time I told her that I loved her, I was reminded how incredibly privileged I was to be hers.  I never ever took it for granted that she was in my life, not for a second.

Then, almost literally overnight, it all changed.  To make a long story short, we found out that she was no longer in-love with me, and she chose the worst possible way to let me down.  It's true that people change and nothing is permanent, and I never shunned the possibility that she could ever stop loving me.  Were she to simply tell me that she didn't want to be my mate anymore and chose to help me cope with it in a humane way, I'm sure I would not be in this predicament.  What she did, was to keep all that a secret for months while she fooled around with another guy whose lack of ambition and intelligence disgusted me to think that she preferred spending time with him.  Oh, and he was already married.  I became increasingly suspicious of her interest in him and she finally admitted to me her feelings on the matter.  I was angered, but she told me she wanted to fix things and that I should let her try to deal with it.

5 months went by with her "trying to fix things," which I now understand was just her trying to silence her own guilt so that she didn't have to deal with inevitability.  She kept leading me on, knowing that I was so loyal to her that I would blindly listen and ignore the red-flags that were popping-up all over the place.  Finally, it got so bad that my mind had completely disintegrated.  One night, they were sleeping together.  I was upstairs, sitting on my bed, flipping my 8" hunting-knife over in my hands literally considering killing them.  Luckily, logic won over raw emotion and I made the decision to leave her for good, moving back in with my parents until I could find another place of residence.

Then, less than 4 months after that ordeal and one month after moving into my current residence, I was broken-into while at work and a good $3500 worth of my possessions was stolen.  Two days before that, the head-gasket on my car blew on my way home from work.  A week prior to that, I had broken my right (dominant) arm while snowboarding.  Needless to say, I felt like the world was shitting on my head at that moment, and I felt numb.  I had completely shut-down my ability to feel emotion for a good couple of weeks so that I didn't go insane and physically destroy something/someone.  In the same year, I had lost the one person I cared the most about, had my personal space violated and robbed, lost my main method of transportation and now had several days (and dollars) of automotive work ahead of me, and there was no way I'd be able to crack an engine-block with a fractured right ulna.  My right-hand useless, I had lost my ability to draw, play videogames... do anything to keep my mind off what was happening.

After all that went down, and after I had taken some time to heal and get the feeling back, I was different.  I am now a bitter, sarcastic individual.  I maintain that I'm still a cheery person, but even my humour and happiness is flavoured with a touch of nihilistic sarcasm.  Things annoy me easily whereas I used to be extremely tolerant of otherwise intolerable things and people.  It's like I've become a cranky old man at the age of 22.

The worst part about all of this is that I cannot feel love.  People in my life who used to matter to me are now just players of the game.  Every interaction I have with someone feels as though I am viewing it from a third-person perspective.  Even when I feel enjoyment for something, it feels more like I'm the parent watching his child enjoy life, feeling some sort of mock-happiness processed vicariously through the experience.  I've attempted letting a few people get close to me since my breakup... starting off with a genuine sense of wanting to be with that person for non-lustful reasons.  After a while, though, that feeling dies and gives way to a numbness that I can't shake.  Whenever I engage in something intimate with that person, where I would previously have had no trouble getting lost in the moment, I begin to feel that numbness, that third-person experience.  Then my mind goes ballistic and begins thinking about shit that has nothing to do with what's going on, and I lose my libido.  After that, every following attempt by that person to revive my drive just annoys me and I get angry at myself for getting annoyed.  I hate it because the individuals I've let-down so far are both remarkable people who deserve better.  I feel like I've put up the cliché "barrier" between myself and others as a safeguard, but every attempt I make at tearing it down, it just gets stronger and more noticeable.

I feel like a sociopath even though I know I'm not.  I feel like a nihilist even though I do believe life is worth living.  Worst of all, I feel alone even though I'm surrounded by people who like me and respect me.  It's like being on one side of a one-way mirror: I can see my friends and loved ones through the glass but they are oblivious to me.  I don't believe I am suffering from depression.  I am too active, productive and passionate about the things I enjoy doing to be depressed.

If you read all this, thank you.  I more or less posted it to get my thoughts down in writing since I've attempted to spew them out a couple times verbally only to get lost in my thoughts again.

Any and all advice is appreciated.  I know there are bound to be people out there older and wiser than I am who have experienced something like this.  Perhaps I'm just experiencing my mid-life crisis early, or perhaps this is something entirely different.

-Steve

[Unition]

Sleep with a chick who looks like her and dump her on your own terms.

As a serious answer, I did read the whole thing and I (and a lot of other people) have gone through the same thing a couple times.  The only thing that works is time.  Get out and busy your mind with work and hobbies.  Don't try to find people specifically to fill the loss you're feeling because it won't work.  Get out there and just do your thing and eventually you'll get smacked in the face by someone who's got that special something that cuts right through your funk and wakes you up again.

[Neox]

Sleep with a chick who looks like her and dump her on your own terms.

As a serious answer, I did read the whole thing and I (and a lot of other people) have gone through the same thing a couple times.  The only thing that works is time.  Get out and busy your mind with work and hobbies.  Don't try to find people specifically to fill the loss you're feeling because it won't work.  Get out there and just do your thing and eventually you'll get smacked in the face by someone who's got that special something that cuts right through your funk and wakes you up again.

I would say these are good ideas and that they are likely to work for me, but understand that my predicament isn't any longer affiliated with my ex.  She does come around in my thoughts every now and again but that is unavoidable due to the length of time I spent with her.  However, my new attitude isn't centred around what she did; I believe it is a result of the damage that occurred, but has evolved into a new form like a virus.  At the time of the breakup, all my friends came to my aid.  They were very helpful in getting me back on my feet and I'm very grateful to them for it.  If anything, my love for my friends should have become stronger, not have died completely. =\

Thanks for the input, though.  I understand that time is the only thing I've got to really help myself wake up, but my concern is that I might never wake up.

[Gizmo]

Forgive me.  I know I'm not an active, well-known individual in this forum, but I'm putting it on good faith that there may be those who will read this and understand my situation and possibly offer some advice that can help me.

I'm going through a bit of a rough spot.  Financially, I'm doing just dandy.  I live in my own (rented) house, I have all sorts of amenities that many lack the privilege of having, and I have friends and family who love me, so I'm not doing so terrible that I feel the need to complain about everything around me and I do acknowledge that I am better-off than some.  I'm thankful for all that I have, proud of my accomplishments and I try to help those who aren't as well-situated as I am.  Psychologically, though, I am at war.  The past two years have been a continuous uphill battle with myself and the way I perceive things.

To explain, I must start at the beginning of my troubles.  Approximately two years ago, I was in-love.  I was working on my seventh year with the girl that I was absolutely sure would be with me for the rest of my life.  I am not exaggerating in the slightest when I say that we were perfect.  Both of us were artists, enjoyed the same music and video-games, both discovered our affinity to dragons and otherkin together and were both active members in this community as artists and friends to many.  We did everything together.  She was also one of the most beautiful female specimens that I've ever seen, and I mean that in the physical sense.  Every time I told her that I loved her, I was reminded how incredibly privileged I was to be hers.  I never ever took it for granted that she was in my life, not for a second.

Then, almost literally overnight, it all changed.  To make a long story short, we found out that she was no longer in-love with me, and she chose the worst possible way to let me down.  It's true that people change and nothing is permanent, and I never shunned the possibility that she could ever stop loving me.  Were she to simply tell me that she didn't want to be my mate anymore and chose to help me cope with it in a humane way, I'm sure I would not be in this predicament.  What she did, was to keep all that a secret for months while she fooled around with another guy whose lack of ambition and intelligence disgusted me to think that she preferred spending time with him.  Oh, and he was already married.  I became increasingly suspicious of her interest in him and she finally admitted to me her feelings on the matter.  I was angered, but she told me she wanted to fix things and that I should let her try to deal with it.

5 months went by with her "trying to fix things," which I now understand was just her trying to silence her own guilt so that she didn't have to deal with inevitability.  She kept leading me on, knowing that I was so loyal to her that I would blindly listen and ignore the red-flags that were popping-up all over the place.  Finally, it got so bad that my mind had completely disintegrated.  One night, they were sleeping together.  I was upstairs, sitting on my bed, flipping my 8" hunting-knife over in my hands literally considering killing them.  Luckily, logic won over raw emotion and I made the decision to leave her for good, moving back in with my parents until I could find another place of residence.

Then, less than 4 months after that ordeal and one month after moving into my current residence, I was broken-into while at work and a good $3500 worth of my possessions was stolen.  Two days before that, the head-gasket on my car blew on my way home from work.  A week prior to that, I had broken my right (dominant) arm while snowboarding.  Needless to say, I felt like the world was shitting on my head at that moment, and I felt numb.  I had completely shut-down my ability to feel emotion for a good couple of weeks so that I didn't go insane and physically destroy something/someone.  In the same year, I had lost the one person I cared the most about, had my personal space violated and robbed, lost my main method of transportation and now had several days (and dollars) of automotive work ahead of me, and there was no way I'd be able to crack an engine-block with a fractured right ulna.  My right-hand useless, I had lost my ability to draw, play videogames... do anything to keep my mind off what was happening.

After all that went down, and after I had taken some time to heal and get the feeling back, I was different.  I am now a bitter, sarcastic individual.  I maintain that I'm still a cheery person, but even my humour and happiness is flavoured with a touch of nihilistic sarcasm.  Things annoy me easily whereas I used to be extremely tolerant of otherwise intolerable things and people.  It's like I've become a cranky old man at the age of 22.

The worst part about all of this is that I cannot feel love.  People in my life who used to matter to me are now just players of the game.  Every interaction I have with someone feels as though I am viewing it from a third-person perspective.  Even when I feel enjoyment for something, it feels more like I'm the parent watching his child enjoy life, feeling some sort of mock-happiness processed vicariously through the experience.  I've attempted letting a few people get close to me since my breakup... starting off with a genuine sense of wanting to be with that person for non-lustful reasons.  After a while, though, that feeling dies and gives way to a numbness that I can't shake.  Whenever I engage in something intimate with that person, where I would previously have had no trouble getting lost in the moment, I begin to feel that numbness, that third-person experience.  Then my mind goes ballistic and begins thinking about shit that has nothing to do with what's going on, and I lose my libido.  After that, every following attempt by that person to revive my drive just annoys me and I get angry at myself for getting annoyed.  I hate it because the individuals I've let-down so far are both remarkable people who deserve better.  I feel like I've put up the cliché "barrier" between myself and others as a safeguard, but every attempt I make at tearing it down, it just gets stronger and more noticeable.

I feel like a sociopath even though I know I'm not.  I feel like a nihilist even though I do believe life is worth living.  Worst of all, I feel alone even though I'm surrounded by people who like me and respect me.  It's like being on one side of a one-way mirror: I can see my friends and loved ones through the glass but they are oblivious to me.  I don't believe I am suffering from depression.  I am too active, productive and passionate about the things I enjoy doing to be depressed.

If you read all this, thank you.  I more or less posted it to get my thoughts down in writing since I've attempted to spew them out a couple times verbally only to get lost in my thoughts again.

Any and all advice is appreciated.  I know there are bound to be people out there older and wiser than I am who have experienced something like this.  Perhaps I'm just experiencing my mid-life crisis early, or perhaps this is something entirely different.

-Steve

About 6 months ago, I broke up with my ex and have experiences a lot of what you talk about - however, not quite so severe as you. My suggestion is that there is no shame in seeking out a professional to talk to. Sometimes, you can find a person that clicks with you - that you feel comfortable talking with and the sun starts shining a bit brighter. Its been 6 months for me and I still feel a bit 'damaged' ... but everyday that passes, it gets better.
Find someone who you can comfortably talk to ... with will help.

[Neox]

Keep in mind that this isn't about my breakup.  While it did play a rather large part in what has become of me, it wasn't the ONLY part.  I feel like I've put the past behind me for the most part, but the blemish on my attitude just grew larger and larger like an infection.  Where it once started is no longer its driving force; it is its own entity now.

[Gizmo]

Keep in mind that this isn't about my breakup.  While it did play a rather large part in what has become of me, it wasn't the ONLY part.  I feel like I've put the past behind me for the most part, but the blemish on my attitude just grew larger and larger like an infection.  Where it once started is no longer its driving force; it is its own entity now.

I mentioned my breakup only to introduce the similarities of what you went thru as did I ... I understand that it is no longer about the ex ... but perhaps the catalyst of the feelings your going thru now.

[Temrin]

Keep in mind that this isn't about my breakup.  While it did play a rather large part in what has become of me, it wasn't the ONLY part.  I feel like I've put the past behind me for the most part, but the blemish on my attitude just grew larger and larger like an infection.  Where it once started is no longer its driving force; it is its own entity now.

Regardless of how small or big that part is now, it was a catalyst. Just because it does not feel entirely relevant at this time, doesn't mean that this escalation of attitude and numbness isn't caused by it. You've learned how to deal with it, sure, but what the others have said have good points. It is a part of what it is and finding someone to talk to about that, and other things is something that should be considered. Talking to said person about all the things you feel, is somewhere to start trying to shed light on what your emotions have become.

Talking to a professional is just a step. They know what they are talking about and there is a difference between a shrink and just someone to act as a counselor or friend in a bad time of life. Some people don't realize this. As i am not trying to put words in your mouth, i just felt the need to say that, as i've dealt with people in my own life that i know have needed someone to talk to but refused to go because they thought that going to someone for help would account to them being crazy or some such notion.

Theres no shame in it, and writing this here was very brave of you. :3
I really hope you find some healing, somewhere. As Unition said, there will come a person who will snap you back into your spot in life. It just takes time, as much as i hate to say it, because i know how hard it is to deal and be patient for however long it takes.

I am very glad that you are still out there and doing things with your life. Its very good.

[Ember]

You wake up indoors in a warm house; eat safe, heated food; have enough money to have some saved up; you know how to read these words, displayed on an electrically powered machine with access to all the information known to man.

You are doing better than ~98% of the people in the entire world.

The world is not shitting on you, you are incredibly blessed.

[Temrin]

You wake up indoors in a warm house; eat safe, heated food; have enough money to have some saved up; you know how to read these words, displayed on an electrically powered machine with access to all the information known to man.

You are doing better than ~98% of the people in the entire world.

The world is not shitting on you, you are incredibly blessed.

He already stated that he realizes this in his top post.
Kind of redundant to post it again.

[Ember]

Ok, how about this...


You are 22 years old and you aren't even close yet to being the man you will become. Take stuff less seriously because your problems later in life will be much greater than these ones by far.

[RainRat]

This is getting off-topic. Locked while I clean the thread.

Unlocked. Don't go back down that same path again.

[HexV]

May I please just start by saying it's mighty bold of you to come forth with this. I've a lot of respect for you for doing that.

Sadly, I don't really have much in the way of actual advice to offer. I've never felt how you've just described, and I can't speak from experience. At best, all I can do is spew a bunch of optimistic rhetoric and hope the best for you. But at the very least, I can share my thoughts in hopes that something might help.

If you don't mind me saying, it could very well be depression. It manifests itself in different ways varying from person to person, and it's not always feelings of sadness or lethargy. I can't list all the ways it can manifest, but there are plenty. I can't say for certain that depression really does have anything to do with this, but it's worth considering at least.

Personally, I think it would be best to talk to a professional. There really is no shame in seeing one, and they're there to help us sort our lives and minds out when we're having trouble doing it ourselves. If you fear it may be Sociopathy, Nihilism or Depression, then I personally feel it wouldn't hurt to either confirm or dispel those fears, and in the event of the former: to find a solution.

Ultimately, though, I really hope the best for you. I can't imagine or pretend to imagine how you feel, but you have my sympathies and best wishes.

[Roffo]

Ever think about the things that make you happy in life? Start there and see where that goes. I been there too; love of my life going away. Even than I felt that I could never love someone either. The longer the relationship, the harder they fall, eh.

[Blue]

I am going to take this huge leap here and say I think this does still have to do with your ex.
I know you deny this, I know you think you have moved on, but honestly, you cannot really move on from this crap until you have forgiven your ex for all the shit she has put you through. And you have to also forgive YOURSELF for taking all of her crap, for letting her lead you on. I am not saying you need to have a talk with her, this can all be within your own mind, but this, as we say 'catalyst', is a toxic substance that is eating at your soul, and keeping you from living joyfully and thoroughly. If it is not in your conscious mind you can bet it is rotting within your subconscious.
Forgiveness is the key. If ever you feel you need to talk to me or anyone about this, and try to get past it all, please do not hesitate.

You have taken the first step, which is to reach out, and I totally applaud you for this.
You are strong and you deserve to be released from this mess and allowed to live again.

Namaste, peace.

[Neox]

You wake up indoors in a warm house; eat safe, heated food; have enough money to have some saved up; you know how to read these words, displayed on an electrically powered machine with access to all the information known to man.

You are doing better than ~98% of the people in the entire world.

The world is not shitting on you, you are incredibly blessed.

You are 22 years old and you aren't even close yet to being the man you will become. Take stuff less seriously because your problems later in life will be much greater than these ones by far.

For someone who knows me very little, you certainly do assume a lot.

I'm afraid you were incorrect in your assumption that I am "blessed."  If I was blessed, it would imply that I was simply handed all that I have; this could not be further from the truth.  The reason I have a house, food, literacy skills and electricity combined with internet privileges with which to apply my literacy skills is because I've spent all my life working my ass off for what I earn.  I work 12 hours a day to make JUST enough money to live alone in a barely-insulated house and heat it with the bare minimum amount of natural gas; to afford insurance and gasoline to be able to drive 45 minutes to and from work; to buy myself enough food to sustain a healthy diet; to pay for electricity and internet so that I can feed my mind as well as keep myself entertained; and numerous other expenses which relate to me being a single individual living alone.  I work a very physically and mentally-tasking job to make just enough money to sustain myself and pay bills.  And you know what?  As I said in my first post: I am THANKFUL for the life I live and all of my hard-earned accomplishments.  My parents drilled into me the meaning and payoff of being a hard-working, productive individual who doesn't overlook any opportunity that passes in front of him and I can safely say that I've spent every year since maturity kicking my own ass to do better and get shit done.  So I'll be damned if I'm going to let anyone tell me that I'm "blessed."  I worked for every cent, every grain of wood in my house and every mile under my car, busting my balls to achieve my goals--sure as fuck harder than a good 10% of your ~98% who just sit around with their thumbs up their asses waiting for their welfare-cheques (which MY TAX MONEY PAID FOR) so that they can cash it in for booze and crystal meth.

As for me being only 22 and that "my problems later in life will be much greater than these ones by far."  I am already an adult, completely independent and self-sufficient, working for a living, filing my own taxes and maintaining my own assets.  And as for my problems later in life: I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes in 2002; I already know the grim outlook that is my future as described to me by doctors and diabetics.  Gangrene, kidney failure, heart failure, blindness, impotence... all of which are just a few lovely long-term benefits of being a diabetic even in good control of his/her blood-sugars.  Cancer runs in my family, as do kidney-stones.  While I believe it is impossible to truly prepare oneself for these things, I've come to terms with the fact that it very well may be something I have to face sooner than I'd want to.  I know that these mellow years of young-adulthood are limited and quick to pass.  I do not have a very long life-expectancy just because of my condition and as much as a decade before my death I will be plagued with even more disease and hardship.  I know these things.  They are inevitable.  So I think it is in my best interests to take things seriously NOW while it still can make a difference in my life.  I think my state-of-mind is something to take seriously.  I think my relationships with people who matter to me is something to take seriously.  I think that asking questions about my situation to see if I can get some helpful suggestions and insight is something to take seriously.  Let me be serious, ok?  It doesn't happen often. =|