Seasonal Depression Help

CassidyCivet · October 22, 2015, 08:56:31 AM

Alright, I hope you're ready for a lot of sh*t to read.

I've got this crazy complex in my head or something where I desire to be doing something. Whether it play into my life long dream to be a musician to any basic level of success. I normally feel this way throughout the year but in the colder months it kicks in. I've taken the online test or two to find out why I'm like that since my Dad doesn't believe in psychology so I'd never be taken to be diagnosed with anything. Just expected to suck it up and move on.

I also feel like I scare people away sometimes. Or people never give me a chance. I've only really chatted with 2 people on this site via PMs and both just kinda evaporated and stopped replying to me. I don't know if I come across like a bad person or something...I try not to. I like companionship even though I also like being alone. I'm asexual and trans (without any actual transitioning since my Dad also believes those people have mental disorders) so maybe that factors into how people see me and how I present myself. And I met one of the people from this site IRL and...well...I almost felt used. I really didn't wanna say that since that person might read this but I really felt used. I don't know how else to say it. And it made me feel worthless.

Really, I'm a vain person who needs someone to tell me I'm worth something or I don't feel good. I often fantasize about suicide, though I strongly detest cutting and whatever cause (and this might be some of my Dad's attitude rubbing off) I believe it's for attention. And while I want attention, I'm also vain in the way that I am meticulous about the way I look so any imperfection on my skin would drive me crazy. And even though I fantasize about suicide in the vain of famous singers I like (I idolize the live fast die young life style of people like Amy Winehouse even though I've never done drugs) I just can't help but feel my life isn't going to go anywhere or mean anything to anyone.

I'm in my last year of high school and as adulthood approaches faster and faster I can't help but be scared. Even though I'm pretty good with dealing with bullying or whatever crap comes along with high school, and I have a few online friends that help, there's not a single person IRL I can go to, and that hurts sometimes. Whenever I make art or music, it never comes out how I like, and the one pic I did do of my fursona got basically no attention even though I was very proud of it.

So I guess my question is, how can I stop feeling like this? Or at least make it so my thoughts are less...all consuming. I think too much. I just want a paw to hold.

Thanks guys.

RainRat · October 22, 2015, 11:25:46 AM

I hope someone can help you here, but if you need to talk to a professional:

Kids Help Phone (1-800-668-6868) (They'll talk to age 20 & under)

CassidyCivet · November 12, 2015, 09:16:27 PM

It's be nice to have someone to talk to and not ignore me.

Kithop · November 12, 2015, 10:24:00 PM

I used to live in Coquitlam, Westwood Plateau part, with friends near Port Moody - I'm out in Mission, now, but there's a couple avenues I've seen a lot of activity on recently if you're looking to talk to local furs. Mostly Twitter and Telegram.

I'm also doing the music thing myself - it's a lot of work to do 'properly', but if you ever want to chat about what it's like being in a band, feel free to drop me a line.

Owl · November 12, 2015, 10:26:52 PM

Quote from: CassidyCivet on November 12, 2015, 09:16:27 PM
It's be nice to have someone to talk to and not ignore me.

Rainrat's advice to call Kid's help phone is sincere and has some genuine thought behind it.

I personally think you should consider seeking a therapist. Because none of us are particularly qualified to deal with depression or suicidal thoughts.

CassidyCivet · November 12, 2015, 10:43:29 PM

Kids Help Phone is nice, but I have people online. I'd like someone face to face. And I can't see a therapist, my parents don't believe in that. I've got 1 year till I'm an adult so I just need someone to talk to now.

CassidyCivet · November 12, 2015, 10:44:57 PM

Quote from: Kithop on November 12, 2015, 10:24:00 PM
I used to live in Coquitlam, Westwood Plateau part, with friends near Port Moody - I'm out in Mission, now, but there's a couple avenues I've seen a lot of activity on recently if you're looking to talk to local furs. Mostly Twitter and Telegram.

I'm also doing the music thing myself - it's a lot of work to do 'properly', but if you ever want to chat about what it's like being in a band, feel free to drop me a line.

I'm not crazy about bands, I tend to only rely on myself for things, which is why I'm so alone I guess.

Kithop · November 12, 2015, 11:28:51 PM

Sometimes I record music things that never see the light of day, because it's purely for my own benefit to get it out.

I don't think any creative-type out there is ever satisfied with their own output. Not completely. You might get 'good enough' and then decide to release it to the world. You could have hundreds of people praise you for that thing, but you still will know all the little imperfections... that's just how it goes.

Yet at the same time, the act of creating those things can be a worthwhile release. Even if you know the flaws in what you've produced, seeing even one person react to it in a positive way can be an amazing rush. The hard part is keeping at it until you get those moments, because they may be few and far between. It's not an easy path to take by any stretch, so I can understand feeling disheartened sometimes.

But yeah, like it's been said - we're not the best at this (even if there's echoes of similarity with my situation when I was finishing high school).

CassidyCivet · November 12, 2015, 11:59:31 PM

Trust me, I know all the hardships of music and creation. The sheer amount of unfinished compositions and art in my room is astounding. XP

Please elaborate on the high school experience.

Kithop · November 13, 2015, 12:14:39 AM

Tried to jump out of my bedroom window at 8, spent an inordinate amount of time with pretty horrible thoughts and vivid fantasies - realise now that part of it is because I've suffered with Crohn's disease, undiagnosed for most of my life... didn't get that figured out until my early 20s. I was almost constantly sick, had problems with food and going to the bathroom, took a major diet change (went vegan) to try and get things in line, and even then it's only slowed it down.

In high school, they put me on Paxil for the associated depression without realising the underlying Crohn's, and it made everything worse for me. It helps some people, but for me, I ended up where it felt like every time I turned my head, my brain was sloshing around trying to catch up. Electric zapping shocks in my skull, numbness everywhere. I distinctly remember repeatedly bashing my forehead against a desk and giggling because I was so out of it, then sitting in my room staring at the wall for what was probably hours on end while my mom would intermittently come up, crying her eyes out trying to talk to me and I just... didn't care because I was that numb.

That shit ruined my first relationship (though she's thankfully moved on and just recently got married, which genuinely makes me happy for her because she has something I couldn't give her), and the zapping in the skull, and the constant twitching as I would fall asleep took literally years to go away.

I've had fantasies of offing myself in various ways. How much would it hurt? How quick would it be? Would I have time to back out if I changed my mind? But you know what's stopped me? As cliche as it is, thinking of my family, my friends, everyone I've met, and how they'd react. Sadness and depression don't die with the sufferer - they just get passed on.

While we're on a roll with the cliches: It does get better. It'll suck for right now, and it might suck for a little while longer, but things do change eventually. Sometimes you'll have to work for those changes, and sometimes there's going to be tough decisions to make along the way, but that's how life works - it doesn't care about you, you have to fight for it, but when you do, there's little glimmers that can make everything worth it. At least that's my take... or maybe I'm just getting old.

Tegir · November 13, 2015, 12:32:03 AM

things that make depression more fun:

allie brosh and her hyperbole and a half blog. she is so funny and i thought she had the best outcome ive ever heard. you are invicible! plus funny stories about german sheppards and a hilarious dinosaur costume experience.

i was recommended to read jennifer lawsons furiously happy. i started it and it seems great, i just havent had time to continue it.

i have been on every medication there is. i also had bad zapping. welbutrin worked best for mental stuff. unfortunately that wore off. i now take trintellix which is brand new, totally new mechanism, unlike all the others that just get slightly better at improving side effects but still have same underlying pharmacology. i have been genuibely happy for the first time in 15 years, as opposed to the spaced out zombie state that goes with all the others.

CassidyCivet · November 13, 2015, 08:35:40 AM

That's two things that I can't relate to. I don't have access to prescription meds or psychologists, and I don't have sexual feelings as I'm asexual. That essentially just leaves me all by myself without someone who really cares to talk to, which is why I'm hurting so bad right now.

Fuzzy Wizard · November 24, 2015, 01:38:33 PM

Hi, You might really need some space from your parents. You can move out and get a job at 17 especially if you think you need to explore yourself. Rent a room or something and then get any help you think you might require.
The seasonal depression affects most people and you can offset this by just eating fruit and making a reason to go for walks during the day. The added stress of not feeling accomplished happens to just about everyone. The fact that it happens to everyone doesn't make you feel any better I know. Kinda like when you have a cold and someone says "oh i'm sick too it's not too bad"..well "It's my cold and it sucks and your comfort level doesn't affect me". At any rate look at a professional who is similar to what you think a "pro" would be. Then map out little achievements which would culminate in you having the same skills or capability. You will then have the respect for yourself needed to "know" you are awesome and then don't need anyone's approval.
I have seen little proof that anyone is truly A-sexual. Firstly the term is misused in this case as you cannot create copies of yourself. Everyone's brain is wired to be sexual in some form saddly your brain cannot always help you realize what it is. Many people go through their lifetime not realizing what they are actually attracted to. Some are attracted to everything.. I am Bi for instance so I tend to have little motivation for either sex but am very attracted to certain personality traits. Some are not attracted to people even or others anything living. So you see your running on incomplete data until you have had the experience with everything to say you are not attracted to anything. The other option is a testosterone imbalance which will reduce your sex drive to almost nill but that can be fixed and not a Sexuality.

Hope I have helped a little,
-The Wizard

Doink · January 25, 2016, 02:01:03 PM

K well I know a lot about mental health and I'm gonna say have you ever asked a doctor for expensive med? I went on these 5 dollar pills instead of 50 cense to a buck and it fixed me up good enough to brag about. I had no motivation now I constantly make furry heads and that is productive