Alright so I feel like I really need to get this off my furry chest. Ever since I turned 18, and even a couple days before (on the 9th of this month) I've noticed that the feeling of loneliness has been really biting at me lately. I'm not sure why it bothers me so much but it has been, and it has been causing me a lot of heartbreak and somewhat depression, even when I'm not upset I don't feel like doing anything or going out besides just staying home and isolating myself, trying to fix these thoughts or go over them again and again but it has been a waste of time and positive energy. Maybe being a solitary cat plays a role in this.
I'm honestly really tired of feeling like this. Where I wish someone could just love me, see how even there just how pathetic that even sounds? Hell I know how desperate that sounds when I say it like that. I swear I'm not desperate, well maybe technically I am if I don't know what to do and I'm asking for help, but I'm not like some people who run all over the place and/or jump from person to person to relieve that sadness, I have a head on my shoulders. Even if it's a little wacky.
I've told myself in the past that I didn't need anyone to make me happy, I can take it all on myself because I'm a big strong Samurai who don't need no Knight in shining armor to come and "define" her :P but, it seems I must be lying to myself and my feelings. I mean, not that I need anyone to define me. I do that myself.
Before anyone says anything, just because I feel this way doesn't mean I hate or don't like/love myself. I love myself (in the healthy way) and I've learned to spend time alone, for a really, really long time. I don't mind being alone, but I hate feeling lonely. So what gives? Maybe it's an indication that I need to make more friends and forge stronger bonds, and get rid of this feeling of alienation. As it has been said it's not healthy to spend all your time alone... maybe that's why I'm feeling like this, maybe I'm just lacking a good close friend, someone I can trust with absolutely anything, I'm still trying to figure that out. If I ever got into a relationship with someone it would only be me and them. (Monogamy I believe it's called yes?) So, the question still remains...
How can I get rid of these negative feelings? How can I stop feeling heartbroken? I've tried ignoring them but they seem to just love coming back to haunt me no matter what I do. I just wanna live a happy and balanced life. What do you think that I'm doing wrong?
~Samurai Kai
Hi Kai,
that sounds like a depressed mood. It's nothing to worry about as long as it's only short-term. Is it some combination of the weather keeping you from doing things you like to do, and you expecting something to change when you turned 18 that didn't? Although introverted people sometimes feel they can tough it out alone, we are still a social species and need some social contact with others to stay healthy.
: spuug March 28, 2015, 12:06:06 -06:00
Hi Kai,
that sounds like a depressed mood. It's nothing to worry about as long as it's only short-term. Is it some combination of the weather keeping you from doing things you like to do, and you expecting something to change when you turned 18 that didn't? Although introverted people sometimes feel they can tough it out alone, we are still a social species and need some social contact with others to stay healthy.
I don't think it's a combination of the weather... well, maybe slightly. The weather can sometimes play an atmospheric role but it's not strong enough to control what I do. I never expected really anything to change or even see a change once I finally turned eighteen. I feel no difference whenever my birthday roles around to be honest with you. Toughening things out is just something I've learned to do all on my own without the aid of others, just sometimes my burdens become too heavy and I have to take a break, once in a blue moon if I'm really really struggling and unsure of what to do, I'll reach out for help, kind of like what I'm doing here. I've just learned to be strong on my own, so I'm prepared if someone lets me fall then it's not the end of the world. Survival of the fittest you could say. My solitude has sculpted me, it has made me who I am and I would honestly never want to change that, and it has made me wise and people have observed this deep side of me times in the past and people have called me an "old soul" for it. I've done soul searching, which never bores me and I never get tired of it. I love knowledge and wisdom. I have a very strong intuition, perhaps being alone is part of the reason why it is so strong.
It's just sometimes I feel like this. It is short term, the feeling doesn't last too terribly long, but then it comes back. It can be a bit intense sometimes, other times it's just very minor and I am able to brush it off quicker. I'm positive, I'm strong. I'm not completely negative, and I'm a fighter. Not a quitter.
this sounds a lot like me. i love being alone and i like my space and i cant really picture being with anyone, although i do want that monogomous relation with someone who is like me. but yes, some times it just feels so incredibly lonely. it just kills me inside when i feel like that, but i dont necessarily want to go hang out with people either. and true about the soul searching. i am twice as old as you and i can assure you ive done everything, tried everything, it is just the way it is. i do have major depression though so i know thats ny problem and am being treated for it, but some times it just continues to eat at you. i think the same way about my name as you d: a warrior. although anyone who knows me probably doesnt know the meaning behind it. im not tough or a soldier. the fight is internal and as long as im alive i know im winning, haha. what is it im winning i have no idea and dont really even want it anyways. the stuff you really need to figure out is whether this is how you want to continue to be (introverted, etc) and whether it is worth it (not that its really a choice). some people find it very difficult to accept that something is wrong with them that they have no control over and they need to learn to get the right help. trying to think one can do it on their own is often just a scared excuse and they are shooting themselves in the foot. sunshine, playdates, fun events are nice distractions, but thats all they are. one needs to fix themselves. i treasure my few friends and although im sure they dont know how happy i am when im with them, i do love that they put up with my blandness. this is turning into a directionless monologue like everything else i write, lol. i just try to share what i feel or experience so someone might make a connection to themselves if it seems similar. thats how i know i have a problem because i see many others with the same thing. just for fun, read the depression blog od allie brosh, it is super funny and makes me feel so much better about myself. http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.ca/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html?m=1