It may be insomnia, or the ramblings of a taxed mind but I just felt like talking. Not really to anyone. I suppose its just the digital equivalent of talking to yourself in public. Some of you may TL;DR, some of you may find it strange or irrelevant, most of you wont care. But maybe after I'll be able to catch the sleep that has strained so hard to elude me.
I wish I could see the grey. So many things in this world seem to fall into grey areas. Nothing is ever black and white they always say. Yet I don't see it. I've never seen it. Sometimes I feel like they are all trying to tell me what an orange tastes like by telling me its a round citrus fruit. I know that I should be able to see it. I even know what should be grey. Yet my mind refuses this. Everything is sorted. Everything. Its all quantified and analyzed and given classification. And while this works just fine for the logical, analytical half, it does not agree with the creative, social half. The facts fit perfectly, but the rest does not. People always feel like vibrant mosaics I'm trying to view through a monochrome lens. Even talking to people is strange for me sometimes. There are so many social cues I just can't see. Non-verbal language confuses me. Its like everyone else learned the dance moves, but i was the only one that missed that class. When I try to communicate I convey the way I think, like I assume most people do, yet I come across so cold and analytical. I am not as cold and heartless as I seem. A number of people have managed to get close to me in spite of myself and I'm sure they would agree. Although more people would say I'm a callous jerk, and in honesty it would probably not be wrong. I've always grown up the strange outsider, although I'm sure a lot of people here probably did. So many years of isolation, and violent bullying, and taunting, and whispers. Sometimes I wonder the age old chicken and egg argument on this. Does the mental problem cause the social problems or do they in turn cause mental problems. What I do know is that the years have left one thing that scars me to my core. Anger. So much anger. Its like every taunt, every punch, every name, every trick, every cruel prank, each one a match, until all there's left is fire. A fire that erupts quickly, burns aggressively, and never goes all the way out. Every breathing technique, every mantra, every self affirmation, anger management class has failed to give me whatever elusive thing it is I need to finally put out the blaze. When I lose my temper it becomes a firestorm that always leaves everyone around me, and especially myself burned. A white hot rage, and a viperous tongue has done more damage than fist fight ever has. I've often felt like someone from an infomercial that's tried everything, except the joke is they go to test pattern before you find out what the miracle product is. But then I suppose there is no miracle product, no magic pill. There is only existing, moment to moment, day to day, and trying to find whatever it is you are looking for as you go along.
Have you, or have you considered, talking to a professional about it? Though I think I've managed to cope fairly effectively with my own issues, it definitely helps to be able to discuss these things with someone who knows what they're talking about and can help you realize that there are a lot of people who struggle with issues like these. Unfortunately, there's still a stigma around seeking help, particularly (I think) among men who are expected to just tough it out.
I used to have a lot of stored-up anger myself (probably largely thanks to having been a perennial favorite target of bullying throughout much of my school career) but I think I've managed to let go of most of it over time and I feel a lot better for it.
I admit you haven't come across well to me most of the time but I'll try to keep this in mind as I read your posts.
I've seen Psychologists, Psychiatrists, and Clinical Specialists. I've taken 9 different medications. I've attended 3 anger management courses. I have approached all of these openly and with the hope that I will finally find the thing or combination of things that brings me peace. And I am better then I used to be. But there is still a fundamental misfire in my neural wiring and brain chemistry. It's interesting how a small genetic abnormality can make one feel so "inhuman".
Jay;
What you're describing is a common autism-spectrum symptom, trite as that sounds. Where you fall on that line, only a psychiatrist could tell you, and even then, it's more of a label than any form of solution. What it is, though, is a potential starting point in understanding. I dealt with similar, I still wrestle with it, and catch myself reverting to it at times, trying to boil everything down to distilled data. It can be unlearned, adapted to, and even turned to your advantage, but it's not exactly the easiest task. If you feel up to it, drop me a PM.
Find surety in your life, something that you do not want changed. Kiss it.
Keep It Simple Stupid.