Okay well basically you win by posting another terribly bad joke and I know there are millions out there! SOOO here we go I will start naturally
What did Tennessee?. . . . NEW JERSEY!!! OMG HAHAHAH. . . . not but really its bad
This other one I posted on another thred but I thought I would share it here to
What do trees drink?. . . . .ROOT BEER!
Comprehending Engineers
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
FYI I HATE ENGINEERS!!
The engineer one was pretty good lol.
What is a surgery student's excuse for an incomplete academic essay?
"I would have handed in my appendix as well, but I had to have it removed."
Three strings come across a bar and decide they'd like to stop in for a drink. The first string walks in, goes up to the bartender and says, "Bartender, gimme a beer." The bartender looks at him and says, "I'm sorry. We don't serve strings here." Feeling dejected and a bit angry, the first string goes outside and tells the others what just happened.
When the second string hears the story, he decides he wants to give it a try. He goes in, walks straight up to the bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender looks right at him and says, "Hey, just like I told your buddy, we don't serve strings here." Denied his refreshment, the second string storms out of the bar with the same story to tell his friends.
By this time the third string is getting pretty thirsty and decides he isn't going to give up yet. After thinking for a little while, he messes up his hair a bit, gets himself all twisted up, and heads into the bar. As he approaches the bar and orders his drink, the bartender looks at him for a moment and then asks, "Say, aren't you a string?"
The third string replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
Two condoms walk passed the a gay bar one condom says to the other condom "lets go in and get **** faced"
I don't have time to go to Bangkok, but Phuket, it seems like the way to go.
"knock-knock"
"Who's there"
"A N****R WITH A GUN, THAT'S WHO!!!"
my brother`s favourite joke is:
two fish swim upstream, they run into a wall, they look at each other, and one says to the other, dam.
a mouse runs into a bar, then says 'ouch'
Alright punny Physics time.
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hmmm bad jokes ummm
what are super mario's pants made of?
denim denim denim
.......
I wonder if people will still get that without hearing the phonetics <.<
Idk BUT I remember that when I was a kid cassette tape and all
What do you call 2 banana peels?
A pair of slippers XD
This is still my all time favourite. xD
Why Hockey is better than Sex:
It's legal to earn money playing hockey.
Many people play hockey even after they're married.
The puck's always hard.
The protective equipment is reusable.
It lasts at least an hour.
A two-on-one or a three-on-one is not uncommon.
You always know how big the stick is.
You can clean your stick in public without anyone minding.
You can change players on the fly.
You don't have to be embarrassed if you don't get the puck up.
Everyone is finished when the buzzer sounds.
Your parents cheer when you score.
Periods last only 20 minutes.
You're sure to get it at least twice a week.
You can tell your friends about it afterward.
Tef, Mattfolx, and Icey all die and go to heaven, God appears and takes us all to a gold course telling us we can play forever just as long as we dont hit a duck.
So we are playing for a few century's and Icey hits a duck god comes down and say you hit a duck and suddenly a totally unattractive grotesque mean guy appears and he sends us off to live together forever.
Then Tef and Mattfolx are left to play, they play for a few more hundred years and finally Tef hits a duck and the same thing happens to him except the girl/guy is a hundred times WORSE than that last.
So poor Mattfolx is left playing alone for thousands of years then suddenly god appears and Mattfolx yells "I DIDN'T HIT A DUCK PLEASE I DIDN'T HIT A DUCK!!"
God laughs and a girl appears and he says "I know but she did"
You just made my dreary cold afternoon a happy one, Icey. *growls in content* :-3
*YYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!* glad to be of services :-3 :-3 :-3 :-3 ;D ;D ;D
why do hookers like irish midgets? Because they are magically delicious :-3
I wish Dallas would read that one
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mastication (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mastication)
What were you thinking in your head again? You naughty, naughty sicko. ^-^
why do cows wear bell?.... their horns don`t work.
(http://iwsmt.littleasllc.netdna-cdn.com/February-12-2012-18-29-49-atempt.jpg)
Teacher displayed this in Bio thismorning. It made me giggle. X3
Econofurs will get this.
What did the economist say to another during a successful regulation of the marketplace in his or her favour?
Give my invisible hand a high five!
Who wins in a boxing match. A sphere or a cube?
A cube, because it has the edge.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
What kind of cheese can you live in?
Cottage cheese.
Do you really want a bad joke?...
A fat guy walks past a bakery...
What?, that's the joke.
What do you call Cee Lo's shadow?
A Cee Louette!
What do you call a sleeping cow?
A BULLDOZER!
What does a drunken zombie crave for?
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOZE
What do you call a herd of cows with no legs? Ground Beef.
What do you call a cow singing bohemian rhapsody with his band? Dairy Queen.
What do you call a herd of cows masturbating? Beef strokinoff
How do you take the lord's name in vain in India? yell "HOLY COW!"
Why did the cow get detention? Bull-ying.
What do you call it when a cow fails? An Udder dissapointment
What is a cow's favorite pie? Mooberry.
Where do baby cows drink their coffee? a CALF-e [cafe]
What do cows drink to get drunk? MOOnshine.
Why did the cow cross the road? to get to the Udder side.
How do cows season their food? Salt and Heifer
Post from someone on my facebook:
Sea levels aren't rising due to global warming. They are rising due to the increase in obesity. The continents are actually sinking...
lol
Genie In A Bottle
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled
across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out
popped a genie. The genie said, "OK, OK. You released me
from the lamp...yada yada yada!
This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little
sick of these wishes so you can forget about three of them.
You only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for
a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but
I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me
a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the
logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the
bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete ... how
much steel! Do you know how many engineers I would have to
hire to figure how to do it? No, think of another wish."
The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish.
Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four
times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm
insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women...
know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when
they give me the silent treatment... know why they're
crying, know what they really want when they say
'nothing'... know how to make them truly happy."
The genie paused for a few minutes and then said, "You want
that bridge with two lanes or four?"
Heard that bridge joke couple times but it's still a good Joke.
Ok Unition Goes to hell! Everywhere he goes he sees these clocks hanging on the walls. Some are going going quick some at a regular pace. Under every clock is a name rat, tef, tai, every guy he knows and every guy he doesn't know except for this guy named Icey. All of a sudden the devil walks around the corner. Unition asks the devil, i know i am in hell but what are all these clocks for? The devil explains, well every time some guy masterbates the clock start going. The more they masterbate the faster it gets. Unition's ahh I see, well I have found every guy I know and every guy I don't know except for this guy named Icey. The devil starts laughing. His is in the office we use his as a fan!
Little Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and went to the
bathroom. On the way back to bed, he passed his parents room. When
he looked in, he noticed the covers bouncing.
He called to his dad, "Hey Dad, what are you doing?"
The dad answered, "Playing Cards".
Little Johnny asked, "Whose your partner?"
The dad answered, "Your mom".
Little Johnny then passed by his older sister's room. Again, he
noticed the covers bouncing.
He called to his sister, "Hey Sis, what are you doing?"
The sister answered, "Playing Cards."
Little Johnny asked, "Whose your partner?"
She answered, "My boyfriend."
A little later, the Dad got up and went to the bathroom (naturally).
As he passed Little Johnny's room, he noticed the covers bouncing.
He called to his son, "what are you doing?"
Little Johnny answered, "Playing Cards."
The Dad asked, "Really? Whose your partner?"
Little Johnny answered,..."You don't need a partner if you have a
good hand".
Edna and Bill were two residents of a nursing home who had been
carrying on a love affair. They were both 96 years old and
wheelchair bound. Every night they would meet in the TV Room. Edna
would passively hold Bill's Penis, and they would watch TV for an
hour or so. It wasn't much, but it was all they had.
One night Bill didn't show up. He didn't show up for the next
two nights either. Edna assumed he was dead, but then she saw him
happily wheeling about the grounds.
She confronted him and said, "Where were you the past couple of
nights?"
He replied, "If you must know, I was with another woman."
"Bastard,", she cried. "What were you doing?"
"We do the exact same thing that you and I do," he answered.
"Is she prettier or younger than I am?", she asked.
"Nope, she looks the same, and she is 98 years old," Bill replied.
"Well then, what does she have that I don't?", Edna asked.
Bill smiled and said, "Parkinson's disease."
One day little Johnny heard a noise and peeked into his parents room to
check it out. He opened the door to see his mom bent over the dresser and
dad going at it behind her. Johnny's dad saw him and gave him a little wink
as Johnny closed the door. After business was finished Dad went to check on
little Johnny. He opened his bedroom door to find Grandma bent over the
dresser and little Johnny going at it behind her. Dad yelled, 'Johnny, what
the hell are you doing?!'Little Johnny replied, 'It's not so funny when it's
your mom is it?!'
"Guess what"
"Chicken butt"
"No i got an even Better one"
"DUTY!"
knock knock....
who`s there,
'hey', how did you know it was me???
:-3
I see your knock knock jokes about pronouns, professor, and I shall raise you and the topic with this.
Chris Tucker: Rush Hour 3 - You, Me, Him (Yu, Mi, Him) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dxwemr3IpmM#ws)
A woman goes to the doctor for a physical
she asks where to put her clothes in the mean time
The doctor says right next to his. :birdy:
how to define a good surrey girl. one that is in bed by 10 and home by 2
how does a surrey girl turn on the light? she opens the car door
why don't asians play hockey? when they get into the corner they get an urge to open a store.
living in vancouver means you never have to say you are surrey.
why do elephants wear red nail polish? to hide in cherry trees. ever see an elephant in a cherry tree. it works
how to catch an elephant. dig a big pit big enough for the elephant. have a fire inside the pit to fill it with ashes. then cover the pit with leaves and grass to hide the pit of ashes. now place peanuts all around the pit. when the elephant comes to eat the peanuts, ......
kick it in the ash hole.
Alright I need to add more puns to this thread. Here is a good one for the last bit of summer.
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