I'm losing my mind... my outpatient appointment is on thursday but I don't even know if I can last that long, why? I don't even know, apparently I'm a pretty cool guy, just you know, not when I'm anxious, and not when I'm depressed... when am I anxious and depressed? every fucking day, thats when. and people always say "oh yeah, sevi's pretty cool" or "sevi you're cute" or "sevi's you're a nice guy" and every now and then if I'm lucky they say "sevi you're pretty/sexy/whatever" I don't beleive a god damned word of it, if I'm good looking, and such a cool guy, why am I always fucking alone? why does everybody who shows any fucking interesting in me just leave? its because I'm boring as fuck, I'm an all round boring person, and I'm ugly, and I'm awkward when I'm anxious, which is every god damned day and now I sit here, eating a bunch of cheese, making myself fat, because I'm anxious and freaking out and I'm going to regain all the weight I've lost because I can't stop fucking eating every time I'm in a bad mood, which is all the time, because I feel worthless, which is probably because I am worthless, how do I know? because no matter how fucking hard I try, I can never make anybody happy, I just stress them out, which makes me feel bad, and then I lean on anyone whos nice to me for emotional support until they hate me and go away which makes me feel worse and then I get more and more anxious and more and more depressed. and its always the same thing, every time I find someone I like, or that likes me, its always the same thing, they can't be my mate, because they aren't interested, or they can't be in a relationship for some unexplained reason, or there is somebody else they like more, of course thats not the real reason, no the real reason is because i'm boring, and I'm unstable, and I'm awkward. do not, DO NOT tell me to get used to being alone, because I was alone for fucking YEARS and I cannot I CANNOT DO THAT AGAIN i cant be alone... I just want to play video games again, I want to drown it all out, just force it into that dark sad place that is my soul, and cap it all off with fantasy, pretend I'm someone else, someone interesting, someone skilled, someone smart, someone who can do whatever the fuck he wants because hes a boss, because he doesn't give a shit, because he doesn't afraid of anything... and whats stopping me? because I know that if I do, I will die, I will slowly die on the inside, I don't know how long it will take, but it will happen, and then once I'm completely dead inside, I will take my own life, because I will have no reason to live.
hahahahahahahahAhhhhhhahaAHahhhhhhhhhhhhh and now oyu know that I'm fucking insane, if you didn't guess already, I'm sure you all knew already though, I don't exactly hide it very well
hey and you know what else? I can hardly even do anything for myself, there is so much I need to do, I need to get in shape I need to finish my schoolwork, I need to calm the fuck down and just be happy, because nothing good ever comes of this, but I can't ever be happy when I'm doing something for myself, the only time I'm ever happy is when I'm doing something for/with somebody, I cant even take an hour a day to work on my schoolwork, but I can spend 5 hours calming someone down and making them feel better, when they are doing exactly what I'm doing right now, and I can take a fucking two hour bus ride no problem for absolutely anything anyone wants of me, but I can't take an hour out of my day to improve my own damn life
AND NOW I AM TRAPPED IN MY FUCKING UGLY AS SHIT BODY AND MY BROKEN AS FUCK MIND AND MY SHITTY BUG RIDDEN HOUSE THATS FULL OF BAD MEMORIES AND THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO FOR THE NEXT 36 HOURS
what happens in 36 hours? I go to the hospital and get an assessment, then I get to wait for probably like another 3 months before I get any psychiatric help, which I doubt will do fuck all for me because I can't change when people tell me to, no, because it might not seem like it, but I have a MASSIVE ego, and I always feel that I know whats best, and you know what else I know? I know that I DON'T know whats best, so I don't trust myself, I don't even trust my own judgment on basic fucking knowledge and common sense, and I come off as being stupid so damn often because I ask about simple things, because I don't trust myself to know the answers, because I know that I don't know whats best, and I never trust my own judgement, and I just want to cry
I'm so scared
and now I send out yet another cry for help, because I'm a selfish goddamned bastard who never thinks about anybody but himself
not that it matters, as if anyone cares enough to read this massive wall of text anyways
I hate swearing, I don't know why I was swearing so much in this.
my heart is racing, I feel dizzy...
my lip is bleeding
hhahahahahaahahahaha I want to download elder scrolls 5 and play it, but my piece of shit computer freezes every time I put any strain on it, or sometimes just randomly, hahahahahahahahahahaha I can't even hide in video games... I'm trapped hahahahahahahahahahahhahaha
I keep flicking my nails I can never stay still, i'm always fidgeting always need something in my hands, always need to be toucing something I don't know why, I can't stop even if i try.
what is the point in life? really, there is no end goal, you eat, you fuck, and you die thats about it, why should I even care about anything, why do I care what others think of me? why can't I be alone? what does it matter anyways? I shouldn't care, so why do I?
For lack of much else I can do in my position:
(http://catmacros.files.wordpress.com/2009/10/hugs_tiem_now_mf.jpg)
that... is surprisingly helpful... haha... I laughed a little bit...
thanks for that... I'm by no means feeling better... but you gave me at least a couple seconds of feeling a little bit better...
You don't have nothing to do in the next 36 hours,bro. We have plans to all meet tomorrow at 2.
If your stressing out about your schoolwork all the time then at least try to manage WHEN your stressing about it. The environment your trying to work in doesn't sound like it's working for you either. My suggestion:
Make a schedule for your self (one that your not to break even if something more interesting to do comes up) to go to the library two or three times in the mourning a week. Do your homework there. Just agree with yourself to sit and work on it for half an hour, then spend 10-15 minuets with a graphic novel or draw or do something else fun, then go in for another half an hour, rinse and repeat the morning away. You'll come out of it with some work done and you won't feel like you tortured yourself all day. Just set small goals and don't look to far ahead.
Don't play video games. You know that's something you don't want to get back into. Get into Anime, parkour, knitting, films, create your own board game to sell to Parker Brothers. You know what video games do to you so try something else to get involved with.
I don't have any advice to give you on the dating thing but if being alone is so unbearable you need to get out. Try to get out of the house you hate and in with some roommates (you can't just wait for people like me and Murphy to be able to move out if it's locking you up where you don't want to be) or get a job with too many coworkers. I hear Wendy's on Cambie is hiring part time night shift people. You like nights shifts, right?
I know I'm posting this at 2 am so I guess I'll just say I'm hoping your sleeping alright right now. Goodnight.
I can't do the schedule thing, every time I try I break, because I don't have any self discipline and I'm unstable, all it takes is one tiny thing and I cant get out of bed for a whole day, the reason I don't have a job is because nobody wants to hire someone like me, why would they? I cant do anything.
I want to get out, I tried, but when I'm upset I can't really do anything, too bad I'm upset like every day, too bad every time I find someone I like they either get bored or I push them away, TOO BAD SEVI TRY YOUR LUCK AGAIN? THINGS WILL GET BETTER SEVI, IF YOU TRY YOUR BEST EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY SEVI, TOO BAD YOUR BEST IS FUCK ALL BECAUSE YOU'RE A WORTHLESS PEICE OF SHIT SEVI.
I can't come today purple, and I doubt I'll be coming later either, I'll still pay my share of the hotel room bill though.
Okay. Let's take a deep breath in... and out. No. Don't just read this. FUCKING DO IT. I'll wait. Good.
Now let's begin.
Only one thing you said in your entire post rang true, the rest was just, like, your opinion, man (more on that later). There is no point to life. NO STOP, DON'T TAKE THAT TO MEAN WHAT YOU THINK IT MEANS. Hear me the fuck out. You're on a ball hurtling through space at tens of thousands of miles an hour. Hold on to something. You, and the small number of people you know and care about you, are the only one your life matters to. And when you die, and they die, your memory will be relegated to dust. All that matters now, THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS NOW, is that your brief tenure on this planet is enjoyable for as many people as possible. You wringing your hands and gnashing your teeth only wastes time. How many hours do you think you have? Willing to waste a day? A week? So we can stop that right now. It's terrifyingly inefficient.
Next. Everyone is a worthless piece of shit. Others just happen to be better at hiding it. I am, your parents are, your friends are, even Gandhi beat his wife. So stop giving fuck. Just breathe. You're ahead of a vast majority of the human family if you are even capable of reading this right now. And you have cheese beside you. How cool is that?
No one in live wasn't forced to play with the hand they were dealt. And the best part of it all is that you don't even have to change a goddamn thing. You don't have to exercise, you don't have to have a sexy bod. You don't have to live in a nice house, in a nice neighbourhood. All you have to do is not give a good goddamn. No one can win life. It has the same ending for everyone. I suggest you go outside, and as you walk by people, bums, businessmen, Kits moms, etc. Imagine that in a little less than a century, none of the people you see living on this planet right now will be living on it any longer. And most of them are clinging to life instead of enjoying it. How many people, do you think, would admit to being a furry at the expense of being "normal" even to people they don't know, and may never meet. That took a modicum of courage. Ponder that for a moment.
Self perception is perhaps the most important thing. I've seen uselesser pieces of shit. If you're capable of learning (and since you can type, access the internet, and found this board, I'll guess yes.) than you're less useless than most. So you're a beginner. That's cool. I'm a beginner too. At almost every damn thing. So you start slowly, methodically. It takes 10,000 hours to get really good at something no matter how hard you work at it. Learn.
So for one moment, I want you to just believe that you're going to get a job (I will SERIOUSLY help you with a resume, if you want. I have some time.), that you're thinner than the waves of hambeasts that trawl south of the Mason-Dixon Line, and that you're more eloquent and expressive than people who *choose* not to read.
Your situation is normal. Imagine the sheer amount of people having existential crises right now. Probably in the high thousands. Life is struggle, work, and toil, punctuated with brief moments of intense beauty. And sometimes the times between those good moments become so long and hard to bare that you seem to forget what it was like the last time you felt satisfied.
So, don't care what others think. Your mind is a private place (though thank you for sharing with the class), and, haters gonna hate. But you'd be surprised at the number who don't hate. How can *anyone* be judging you when everyone is too busy judging themselves.
Rant over.
PS: I'm terutt1 on Steam, if you want to play some TF2.
*sigh* I don't know if this will help, but here is my meaning of life which I taught myself whenever I get lonely. (and you do not have to agree to this, I just want to help)
Anyway...LIFE.
Love
Is
For
Everyone
No matter what, everybody needs to be loved. Your saying that your insane? Hell, hitler was insane and had his bride of joy. Another thing...you gotta learn to love yourself, if you don't appreciate who you are, then who will?
I do apologize if I said something that offended you, but I can't see another human being suffer.
*stutters* That's all folks.
arf
: terutt July 13, 2011, 03:19:19 -06:00
Okay. Let's take a deep breath in... and out. No. Don't just read this. FUCKING DO IT. I'll wait. Good.
Now let's begin.
Only one thing you said in your entire post rang true, the rest was just, like, your opinion, man (more on that later). There is no point to life. NO STOP, DON'T TAKE THAT TO MEAN WHAT YOU THINK IT MEANS. Hear me the fuck out. You're on a ball hurtling through space at tens of thousands of miles an hour. Hold on to something. You, and the small number of people you know and care about you, are the only one your life matters to. And when you die, and they die, your memory will be relegated to dust. All that matters now, THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS NOW, is that your brief tenure on this planet is enjoyable for as many people as possible. You wringing your hands and gnashing your teeth only wastes time. How many hours do you think you have? Willing to waste a day? A week? So we can stop that right now. It's terrifyingly inefficient.
Next. Everyone is a worthless piece of shit. Others just happen to be better at hiding it. I am, your parents are, your friends are, even Gandhi beat his wife. So stop giving fuck. Just breathe. You're ahead of a vast majority of the human family if you are even capable of reading this right now. And you have cheese beside you. How cool is that?
No one in live wasn't forced to play with the hand they were dealt. And the best part of it all is that you don't even have to change a goddamn thing. You don't have to exercise, you don't have to have a sexy bod. You don't have to live in a nice house, in a nice neighbourhood. All you have to do is not give a good goddamn. No one can win life. It has the same ending for everyone. I suggest you go outside, and as you walk by people, bums, businessmen, Kits moms, etc. Imagine that in a little less than a century, none of the people you see living on this planet right now will be living on it any longer. And most of them are clinging to life instead of enjoying it. How many people, do you think, would admit to being a furry at the expense of being "normal" even to people they don't know, and may never meet. That took a modicum of courage. Ponder that for a moment.
Self perception is perhaps the most important thing. I've seen uselesser pieces of shit. If you're capable of learning (and since you can type, access the internet, and found this board, I'll guess yes.) than you're less useless than most. So you're a beginner. That's cool. I'm a beginner too. At almost every damn thing. So you start slowly, methodically. It takes 10,000 hours to get really good at something no matter how hard you work at it. Learn.
So for one moment, I want you to just believe that you're going to get a job (I will SERIOUSLY help you with a resume, if you want. I have some time.), that you're thinner than the waves of hambeasts that trawl south of the Mason-Dixon Line, and that you're more eloquent and expressive than people who *choose* not to read.
Your situation is normal. Imagine the sheer amount of people having existential crises right now. Probably in the high thousands. Life is struggle, work, and toil, punctuated with brief moments of intense beauty. And sometimes the times between those good moments become so long and hard to bare that you seem to forget what it was like the last time you felt satisfied.
So, don't care what others think. Your mind is a private place (though thank you for sharing with the class), and, haters gonna hate. But you'd be surprised at the number who don't hate. How can *anyone* be judging you when everyone is too busy judging themselves.
Rant over.
PS: I'm terutt1 on Steam, if you want to play some TF2.
Just wanted to comment and say I found much of what you said to be profound and approached some difficult truths in a candid way. Most people don't even want to consider these sorts of things.
I myself find it deeply enlightening to just sit on a bench on a crowded street and watch everyone walk by, going on with their lives as if they had such tremendous importance, and knowing that within 100 years all of these people will be gone - poof - as if they never existed. I find it liberating to contemplate this, not depressing.
I don't know if it will help the original poster or not, but I agree with you on much of what you said and I kudos for expressing it so well :)
Some of us spend so much time chastizing ourselves and what value we have in the eyes of others without realizing that most of the time people are much too preoccupied to be thinking about us at all
mr. mackey was wrong, drugs are good, I feel better now, haha... amazing what a mild sedative can do... I'm also probably reall worn out
are video games an addiction? they shouldn't be but apparently they are, and they say most addicts relapse within the first six months, hahahahaha... I only have one month to go, guess I'm not gonna make it hahahahahah.... good game reality, I lose, hahahahahahahaahahaahahaha good game.
I should have known they couldn't help me, nobody can help me, I'm broken, and there are no spare parts!
myyyyyyy friends are meeeeeeeeeeen
: Sevrin July 14, 2011, 05:54:15 -06:00
myyyyyyy friends are meeeeeeeeeeen
I thought the majority of us were female. You learn something new about people everyday, huh?
: Sevrin July 14, 2011, 05:54:15 -06:00
myyyyyyy friends are meeeeeeeeeeen
Thanks for Noticing. It's one of my best features. c:
hahaha... I love you guys <3 sorry about this <.<;
Hey man, don't worry about being sorry. We definitely don't mind. And if someone does, they don't need to come into the thread. We're here because we want to be.
I know you don't know me from anyone, but I hear you. I'd always been a completely happy person; brilliantly alive, and somehow fairly recently I found myself in exactly the situation you're describing. I was going through binge eating to cope; procrastinating school because I was afraid of the outcomes; all of those things. It's shocking sometimes to realise that other people fight the same, or very similar battles.
Someone can tell you what to do, or what you *should* believe about yourself, but when you're in that kind of state, you can try as hard as you want to believe it, but it's very difficult if not impossible to just decide 'No, they're right. I'll be fine.' It's a battle in your own mind and eventually you'll come out on top, if you're as strong as you seem to be from the intense way you're burning inside yourself. But I hear you; it's not something you can just 'switch off' and be fine.
Honestly, mate.. what worked for me and brought me back to feeling good was a combination of things. The reason I fell into that place in the first place was feeling like I wasn't able to keep up with school. I had too much going on -- school, volunteer things, art that I felt like I *should* be doing.. far too much going on so that I wasn't excelling at any one thing, merely existing. I filled my plate that full because there were underlying issues. I was in a place in my life I was unsure about -- I had spent years doing one thing that I felt I *should* be, and most of the turmoil was the fact that I was trying to live up to expectations of what I thought I *should* be; what people wanted of me, and not what I actually felt I wanted.
I didn't realise it wasn't what I wanted until I realised that it was one of the main causes of my depression. You can't excel at things you're not passionate about. Not for any length of time. And the passion comes from gaining feelings of success. You can be passionate about anything you do, even something like working at a gas station, (for example), if you can feel good about showing up on time, doing a great job, and coming home at the end of the day with a paycheck and the freedom to do things you enjoy. The passion is about enjoying every moment, and a good part of that comes from the ability to do what you think is right. Small steps. Small successes, like waking up in the morning and showering. It might sound silly, but the small steps help.
I ended up stuck in a cycle of eating to feel comfortable, leaving me with damaging eating disorders. That's not the cause, it's a symptom. The big thing about those is that they make it ten times worse.. No matter if you're trying to cope by eating too much (gaining weight; having skin issues like acne), eating types of food your body doesn't need (same idea; weight gain, skin issues, general feelings of unwellness, etc), eating too little (feelings of lethargy; damage to muscle and organs, illness), or binging/purging (massive damage to body systems), it all stems from feelings of being out of control of your own life, and taking drastic measures to try to fix things, when food isn't the issue at all. It's a symptom of the stress behind it.
For my own situation, I certainly wondered as well if I was going crazy. I had it all; hallucinations; detachment with reality..
As I went through it, I realised that what mattered was being happy in this moment; and setting up future moments to allow myself to be happy. Terrut makes a solid stab at this concept. If you can find what you're unhappy about, you can start to think with reason instead of emotion. You might be in a state right now where everything seems so impossible. It's very hard to see clearly from in that state, but you don't need to see clearly. You just need to be able to think enough to discover what, really, are the problems. (I know, I've been there very intensely). And you certainly seem capable of thinking; you have the drive to find out what the real issues are, and find ways of changing them.
If I were closer to you, I'd come over. (Haha, don't worry; I'm not too much of a creeper.) To have somebody to just say 'Hey; I'm a friend and I'm here for you', can help immensely. The forums can be helpful, for sure.
If you want to chat by email sometime, I can give you my address. I can't solve your problems; I'm certainly no psychologist, but I've gone through a lot myself, and come through, and I know it's very tough to feel that way.
Anyways, mate, I hope you're doing all right. I won't tell you to hold your head up; it's not that easy. All I can say is that I understand, and I'm always here to help.
-Sephren
a friend did actually come over and cheer me up, it was a big help and I'm very grateful to them, I'm feeling more or less better now, the problems are by no means gone, but at least I'm able to do stuff now. thanks though.
Glad to hear it. : )
-LS