Tired of all the remakes and sequels this summer? You ain't seen nothing yet! As we march assuredly towards the celluloid apocalypse, here are some of the unnecessary sequels, prequels and remakes guaranteed to assault the eyes and intelligences of audiences in the year to come.
Big Mommas-Like Father, Like Son: Remember Big Momma's House and Big Momma's House 2? No? Martin Lawrence in drag and a fat suit? Yeah, that one. Well, he's coming back to breakdown new levels of taste.
Diary of a Wimpy Kid 2-Rodrick Rules: The whining continues.
Footloose: However this turns out, the music will undoubtedly be six degrees separated from "catchy".
Scream 4: Just when you thought this franchise was deader than Neve Campbell's career.
The Three Musketeers: For the four-hundredth time, enough already!
The Thing: Or "That Thing you redo every 30 years".
The Hangover 2: Because two hangovers are better than one!
Rise of the Apes: Yep, those damn dirty apes are finally going to take over this planet. And guess where will be the setting their first conquest? Vancouver.
Transformers 3: It has to be better than Transformers 2.
The Smurfs: Oh. Dear. Lord!
Spy Kids 4-Armageddon: Need I say more?
Final Destination 5: They promised us the last one was the last one. They promised us!
Straw Dogs: How can you remake a classic piece of cinema?
Underworld 4: Again, they promised us...
Journey to the Mysterious Island: Brendan Fraser boldly goes wherever the 3-D budget takes him in this sequel to 2008's Journey to the Center of the Earth.
Alvin and the Chipmunks-Chip Wrecked: Perhaps Chipped Away would be more appropriate, anybody?
Yay, more sequels! . . . mhm. .
I wonder if all these movies will be in 3D.
What we need is to pay more attention to Sundance and other film festivals and fuck Hollywood altogether.
There's only one reason for the majority of the atrocities on this list: guaranteed money. Even if people don't want to see it, they will, because their curiosity will get the better of them, or for movies like Scream, people who are now moved on with a college degree, spouse, and offspring want to be taken back to their beer-drinking fratboy days. Cashing in on past success is a typical Hollywood ploy when writers and talent are running thin and production houses don't want to take risks. Let's go through the list.
Diary Of a Wimpy Kid: I saw the first one out of curiosity, and I though it was the modern day equivalent of Teen Witch. Nothing made sense, and it was all strung together by a thin, cheesy lesson that was fairly benign even for the over-five crowd. They're making a sequel so parents will have something else to shut their children up with.
Big Momma's: Curiosity and the past is all this has to offer, and yet, it will probably get people into the seats. A shame, really. Popcorn deserves better.
The Hangover 2: An attempt to cash in on the surprisingly popularity of the original. The concept was a pretty funny one, but I couldn't sit through the movie. It's like they developed one really interesting idea, like a fragile china doll, and proceeded to smash it with a mallet until you could snort the remains.
Scream 4: Modern nostalgia, pure and simple. Curiosity soon parts a fool from his money, and doesn't this franchise have a face to save after all those terrible Scary Movie ripoffs?
Rise Of The Apes: This COULD be interesting, but it depends. Does it follow on the original Planet Of The Apes, or the remake that had Mark Wahlburg in it? I wasn't a fan of the remake, so if it's more of that... This is the ONLY movie on this list with some semblance of an original plot idea. For that it scores points, but time will tell.
Transformers 3: How can you make a sequel to a movie that doesn't exist? Yes, I'm not ready to accept Transformers 2 is real. We make our own reality, so I can will it out of existence if I try hard enough. Still, I predict this will stall badly, especially now that we're bereft of Meagan Fox's assets.
The Smurfs: I really don't think we need to go here. The Smurfs barely had a story as a TV show. How do you make it a two hour movie? Oh right! You apply the Cat In The Hat treatment, because that worked so well.
Spy-Kids 4: Just more mindless fodder to shut up the offspring of the masses.
Underworld 4: Now here's a real dead-horse-beating championship. This series has NEVER been good, not since the first one. Don't get me wrong; it was fun and campy in a way not unlike what Evil Dead, Evil Dead 2, and Army Of Darkness had to offer. However, UNLIKE those fantastic movies, Underworld has never stopped taking itself so seriously. That's what made Army Of Darkness an absolute trip to watch, was that all serious business was set aside and they had some fun with it.
Alvin And The Chipmunks: Trying to do the Garfield franchise one better, they're coming back for another hit. I hate these movies. They're littered with product placement (seriously, try and find at least two scenes in sequence where you don't see a name brand product or image on screen, bet you can't do it), everything is perfectly presented (super green grass, super-saturated colors, it's like we're looking through a coke bottle at what happened to the world if the 50's and the American Dream had taken hold of everything), and the writing is SO unbelievably awful that the reason you think four people have writing credits is because they came up with it at a bar, drunk, at 3AM, pissing away the money you spent taking your spoiled brat to the last one.
So yeah, like I said, Sundance. The only great stuff coming out these days is from indie filmmakers. The rest of it isn't fit for Chinese mind torture. Though I'm sure the drooling mongoloids of the masses will enjoy all of this.
So what is new ??? For every cruddy movie Hollywood puts out there is a good one. In fact the ratio of good movies Hollywood puts to cruddy ones is improving because of the difficulties getting funding for films. Lets face it, customers are smarter, better informed and expect more of their movies then ever before 'realism' was not a word you heard 15 years ago.
: Lune August 20, 2010, 10:36:40 -06:00
So what is new ??? For every cruddy movie Hollywood puts out there is a good one. In fact the ratio of good movies Hollywood puts to cruddy ones is improving because of the difficulties getting funding for films. Lets face it, customers are smarter, better informed and expect more of their movies then ever before 'realism' was not a word you heard 15 years ago.
While I agree that it's more difficult to get funding for films, honestly, can you still stand by the whole "customers are smarter, better informed, and expect more of their movies" when Alvin & The Chipmunks has done well enough to have not one, not two, but THREE theatrical releases? They used to shuffle that kind of crap quietly off to Direct-To-Home-Video dreamland.
Perhaps we're smarter, but the vast majority? I'm not hedging my bets. Maybe that's just because I'm a misanthropic wanker.
To this pile you can add Arthur. Yes, oh my god, they are remaking ARTHUR! I haven't even seen the original, and they are remaking Arthur. What's next? Tootsie? The Last Starfighter? The Breakfast Club? The eighties are up for grabs, folks; just like the 50s were in the 70s, and the 70s were in the 90s. We have seen Rocky, Rambo, Die Hard, Jason, Freddy Kruger, Michael Myers and the Terminator all come back in recent years after extended leaves of absence. Hell, even Wargames had a direct-to-DVD rip-off, and Fame got castrated by the hip hoppers. Maybe we're in for another Gremlins, or even the Ghoulies, or ET: The Extraterrestrial Sequel. If they are redoing Red Dawn, maybe it will be followed by The Day After. If a revamped Hairspray can takeoff, maybe Zoot Suit will get the same treatment, or another version of Xanadu based on the Broadway musical. You see, William Goldman was right: NOBODY KNOWS ANYTHING!
Oh god, they are remaking Oh God!
So many sequels. The thing about remakes is you do NOT remake movies that actually did well! You do remakes of failed projects if you can do them right. Movies I would like to see however would be movies based on the old Magic the Gathering novels. The brothers' war, rath cycle, etc... Oh and aren't they remaking The Hobbit? Hell, I remember hearing about a Remake of Evil Dead without Bruce Cambell. Smart movie going folks do not want sequals and remakes. Take a chance and make NEW movies. No franchise stuff either. We get like one or two good original movies a year and it should be much more than that.
Well, other than hangover 2 and scream 4, I can't see myself even using bandwidth on any of those...
Scream 4 I am required to see, at some point, due to a love of the old cult horror movies... I haven't looked into who is directing it again, but hell, it can't be worse than scream 3... And since the not-so good Friday the 13th, the mediocre Halloween remake, the unwatchable halloween 2 remake, and the surprisingly not that bad nightmare on elmstreet remake (My love of Freddy was ALMOST done justice, and it had a few good lines)... Well, I gotta sit threw scream 4 just to see if they did the old ones justice or not, and if not, likely for some good laughs.
Hangover 2 I'll end up seeing some day because I know too many people obsessed with the first one... don't plan to spend a penny on it however.
One Word. "Book" theres tones of em, and an exemplary amount of them with awesome plots/stories that could make excellent movies unless you some how botch them so bad that its so bloody, bruised and maimed that it does not even resemble the original idea *COUGH* Eragon *COUGH*
or take a few pages from the new Star Trek Movie, somehow, remake a series. alter it completely but still somehow manage to make it a great movie (yes it had flaws, BUT! think of all the non-Trek-Fans it brought in that liked it, and i liked it too, being a Trek fan!)
$$$$ <--- thats what its all about.
Three Musketeers is being remade in 3-D. Another adaptation that rides the crest of a fad. Remember The Musketeer in 2001, how they went overboard promoting they had a Chinese martial artist to direct the fight choreography? I can see this film turning into one giant SCTV sketch: "En garde!" *Pokes at camera*
Don't forget!
Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure is coming out as well :vik:
One remake with hope (as in "I hope it does not butcher a classic") and promise is Yellow Submarine, which is resurfacing via Performance Capture in 2012. For those of you who have not screened the original film, do yourselves a favor: jump in your cars or get on a skytrain, and get your paws on copy of this movie, or at least watch this clip from YouTube. Yellow Submarine can work remade assuming the PC is used to enhance the original film's groovy psychedelic animated context and avoid the uncanny valley effect that has caused so much discord with director Robert Zemeckis' previous efforts (is this man now going to play out the rest of his career producing exclusively PC content?). Since the original was made with limited cooperation by The Beatles, the producers will have as much leniency to go helter skelter on the execution. What I worry about is who will be the target audience of this film. Will they appeal to the aging boomer generation's nostalgic drug-colored memories, or will they hip it up for a post-millennium ADD text-messaging crowd? Let us hope they follow the precedent set by Across the Universe and manage to appeal to both without pandering to neither.
Oh yeah, and of course, it's going to be in 3-D. Actually, this can work in the underwater context. Imagine the Yellow Submarine flying through the Sea of Holes.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A7F2X3rSSCU
To continue the parade of disengage, I present the following...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KOjcml_X704
The Zookeeper, I thought that was Aslan from Narnia for a second.
I know that most movies in the last 10 years sucked balls like the new Indiana Jones ugh what a way to destroy a series with shit like that! Any of the Shreks other than the first one where forced and terrible. BUT there is light at the end of the tunnel you have movies like Invictus or Grand Torino perfectly made movies worth watching. A movie that i love but did not make allot of waves in the movie market was Rockinrolla if you can believe it this movie i WORTH watching its funny and seriouse with not TO much unbelievable action cars dont just EXPLODE! guns actually DO DAMAGE! sorry to tell you not to bright people when you get shot it DOES DAMAGE! you dont just get up and walk away from it for Christ sakes! in other words is very real world and for once humans are just humans scamming each other for money. Spartans was enjoyable and full of green screen and cool art it took allot of skill to make that movie what it is i dont care what anyone says. SPRAY OF ABS ARE NOT EASY TO DO!! Then there is the major advances in cartoon movies! WALL E was AWESOME! well I guess anything from Pixar is good so ya. The newest Toy Story was not all that bad that most squeals are I know surprising right!
All the saws other than the first one should just go away.
Another one that should just fuck off is the Land Before Time series i really dont think very many people know how to count that high in roman numerals you should stop making them now.
OH i am sorry i have to say this but EVERYONE hate the twilight series but why?. . . . . they hate it because they are told to pure and simple. I know they are not the best movies or anything am not expecting a bunch of awards to come from it but its REALLLLLLLLLLLLYYY not that bad there are allot worse movies so for those people who bash the shit out those movies get off your fucking soap box and shut the fuck up until i see you making a better movie.
(also has sexy half naked natives! whats not to like)
Adam Sandler and Happy Madison productions is still making good funny and original movies, Fifty First dates, Funny people, i do enjoy longest yard even if it is a remake of a better movie.
The cheesy super predictable romantic comedy's are getting annoying i can more or less tell you the whole story about 20 min in or EVEN when i dont watch the movie I feel like the commercial was the movie so i dont need to watch it.
OH the remake if the V TV series was really cool i loved that.
The mini series *Pacific* and *Band of Brothers* both VERY good.
Being aware that the cowboy and Indian story is well used but has not been used in a VERY long time i do not mind AVATAR it not so orignal base but some aspects where extreamly orignal and enjoyable. The affects are what most people like and heck why not they where some of the best of are time also the acting was good.
The competeor against Avatar was Hurt locker and was in my mind very good as well i loved watching it and i was never bored it kept me drawn in so it did its job well. I am cant really compare the two one cost 230million to make the other cost 11 million like come on thats very impressive that the 11 million dollar even came close to besting Avatar. Now that i really think about it being a military nut that i am Hurt Locker only had one thing that REALLY confused me. In the beginning when the Srg is running away from the blast they are calling out distance and at the point he was at when the bomb went off he was out of the deadly concussion zone, not out of the shrapnel zone okay but why the fucked killed him really. Other than that loved it all.
So there really is good movies so dont loose hope everyone. ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D :-3 :-3 :-3 :-3 :-3
lol, I'm working on Final Destination 5 starting in January :P
Not my first choise of film but hey, sometimes you just make the job fun rather then expecting everything you "want" in project within your career..
FYI, I'm an animator, so I'll be digital doubling the deaths of many of the characters and some destruction of objects etc...
You know a movie is in for trouble when an entire room full of film students laughs at every line in this preview.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ei5l3r1dV4I
Hollywood has been in a rapid decline for over a decade now constantly churning out one bad movie after another. Mindless garbage with big budgets and lot's of flashy CG FX. It's a crying shame too because some of the best movies I have seen in the last decade or so are all low budget movies that instilled a sense of intellectual wonder and/or amusement in me. There is one movie that I am looking forward to seeing if it finishes up in time for the end of 2011 and that is: Guillermo del Toro and James Cammeron's adaptation of H.P. Lovecraft's Beyond the Mountains of Madness Novela, "At the Mountains of Madness". It should be a good one seeing as De Toro has already stated that every creature in the movie is going to be a rendered silicone sculpture to minimize the amount of cg needed! I only hope the casting for the characters aren't fudged up with big Hollywood names >_>
DUDE TRANSFORMERS THREE WILL BE AWESOME
transformers=good
+
lack of the bitchy Megan Fox
= better
+
Unicron
= AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh, and The Asylum is releasing two films: Battle of Los Angeles, and Almighty Thor. Gee, I wonder what inspired them to make those two films...
Battle of LA dosent look too bad. But then again i love that kinda stuff XP
the movie RED was AWESOME!!!
What was that one about? I never saw it.
: Renwaldo January 27, 2011, 04:11:15 -07:00
What was that one about? I never saw it.
It's this REALLY awesome film about these spies (all played by pretty elite actors) coming out of retirement for one more mission: to get the CIA off their backs. It's one of those movies with some explosions, well designed physical humor, and excellent script throughout the whole thing. Very enjoyable (despite the crazy overestimation of the CIA's ability, but we all know shows and movies hype up the capabilities of intelligence organizations and crime investigators).
RED: Retired, Extremely Dangerous
: Lt ReiStark January 12, 2011, 01:47:24 -07:00
DUDE TRANSFORMERS THREE WILL BE AWESOME
transformers=good
+
lack of the bitchy Megan Fox
= better
+
Unicron
= AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I tried really really hard to like the transformers movies. I even went in totally ignoring nostalgia and treated these as their own universe. Honestly, I couldn't find anything good about them. And remember, flashy special effects do not count as plot. Without a good story, a movie fails. Effects are just supposed to help, not be the driving factor. There were too many things wrong with transformers movies. Just a little example with the second one here. These are alien robots. Living computers, not organic beings. So with that, why are there two redneck robots? What could possibly be the purpose of constructing two mobile computers that are simply retarded? They were illiterate and did not even know their own history. Remember, these are not people, they are giant walking computers. What possible reason could there be NOT to program them with the ability to read the language of their own world or to even know their own history? Hell, Skynet could have beaten all the transformers and it was created by humans. Why could it beat them? It actually had the capacity to make detailed tactical decisions to the point where it could predict what the enemy would do. This is something human generals can do today. Are they saying that these alien super-intelligent computers can't even match the level of strategic planning as a human? I am not saying they should be cold emotionless machines, but they should be smart. Oh and here is something. If only a prime can defeat a prime, as was stated by the fallen, then how could Megatron kill Optimus? if you are going to pull highlander rules, you better stick to it. One last thing here is Jetfire. Why would they ever want to build an old robot that is practically senile? They are robots so they don't physically age. He should never have been walking like he needed a walker. So someone, at some point, thought it was a good idea to build Jetfire like that. Then you have Optimus dumping the advanced weaponry that Jetfire gave to him. Wouldn't that gear be useful in future fights? It is like a soldier throwing his gun and all his ammo away after taking down one enemy in a battle in real life. The robots are just too stupid in these movies and they are supposed to by hyper intelligent computer life forms. So just because they are throwing in some things like Unicron, I have little hope for this movie. Remember, it is NOT made for the 80s fans because they totally dumped nostalgia. Therefore, we must assume it is not the same Unicron. Besides, the whole Megan Fox thing doesn't matter. She didn't bring anything to the story and was a bad actor. her only purpose was eye candy, so they replace her with a victoria secret model. Not an actor, an underwear model. I could go on as I have many more things I could point out that are just stupid with the movies, but I am tired and need to watch a good movie to take my mind off of this stuff. Time to watch Scarface again.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W1z3YltatTc
Again, you know a film is in deep trouble when a roomful of film students laughs at every line in the trailer.
wow that looks soooooooooooo bad ugh
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pNJxxRi7AeE
*SIGH* Here we go again...
STARSHIP TROOPERS 3: MARAUDER: Movie Trailer - Video (http://www.metacafe.com/watch/2598303/)
I HATE THIS MOVIE!!!! its sooooooooo fucked up and inconsistent not to mention the HEAVY HEAVY HEAVY religious tone that they force feed you the whole dam time
... Spy Kids 4D... Fayul!
... Spy Kids 4D... Fayul!
I know. I saw the trailer. It looks utterly hopeless.
Technotise Remake Trailer (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TPu-PRHtCWE#ws)
*vomit* Why Hollywood? why?
Except that's a fan-made trailer. What Hollywood really does with it, the jury is still out on that.
However, I warned you all months ago that THIS was coming. And now that I see it....AGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Look at this! They're even copping the same dialogue and camera blocks, but they've thrown in a bunch of slack-jawed, commoditized, synth-playing, mind-numbing, neo-pop gutter tracks to paste over the latest centerfold pinup glamourized wannabies! They can't even make it a movie about outlawing rock music anymore because anyone with wi-fi and a cell phone can download to their heart's content. Now it's just "no public dancing". Well, gol-ly! We better get over to the local shin-dig and arrest old Bill Halley and His Comets while we're at it!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gtjI6OHVk00
^ What's the name of the leading male, he's very pretty. :gay:
: Renwaldo July 26, 2011, 12:48:28 -06:00
^ What's the name of the leading male, he's very pretty. :gay:
Kenny Wormald. Kevin Bacon was pretty too, except he could act (and is damn cute as a wolfdog). The jury's still out on this one.